C'mon-Let's Ride

Hope.

2009-11-14T17:50:00.001+08:00

Because the Disadvantage still struggle
Because the Crippled still walk
Because the Deaf still speak
And the Blind still see

There is still hope.

Because the sun still rise
Because the cloud still rain
Because the wind still sing
And the moon still shine

There is still hope.

Because you still have your freedom
to express to feel to speak
Because you still have your limbs
to walk to hold to touch
Because you still have your eyes
to see to judge to appreciate
Because we are blessed

There is still hope.

2009-11-01T01:23:00.004+08:00

After I stopped attending the temple that I had been going to, I start to pray. And miraculously, I feel safer in my troubled mind. As much as I can be open-minded to these worldly-affairs that are occurring every second, my state of my mind tend to slip into the circumstances of turbulent. It can be quite hard and terrible, given the fact that I am stress from all my studies, but I will survive.

Confusion is just another state of mind; I am a living contradictory.

And when I do pray, I pray to Mother Teresa. Her words always open the doors in my life and I thank God for this.

I thank you too. You; whoever that is reading this sentence. Thank you.

God and religions.

2009-10-25T18:07:00.002+08:00

We tend to forget who we were before. Because as we aged, the safety net that had always been there is gone and we have too many things at stake if we fall. Consequently, we become timid and our hearts lack the courage.

We have to survive and we will.

That leap of faith. Jump.

2009-08-08T03:24:00.003+08:00

Insomnia.

Seriously, I am physically tired. But my mind just keep streaming with thoughts, many of which I couldn't filter out of my head. And if you ask me what I am thinking of, I don't know. Randomly mixed stuffs like what I am going to do after grad to how is my gf's sleep.

Darn. The synthesis of fatigue and insomnia is scandalizing my soul and damaging my body!

Hush

It is quiet now;

The owls have stop their hunt

and the crickets are dreaming.

Be quiet now;

The dogs' ears are sensitive

and the stars are watching.

Come

Slowly across the bridge;

The fishes can hear the steps

and the river can feel our breath

Gently take the steps;

The flowers are loving your grace

and the trees are whistling your praise.

Hold

Tightly to my hands;

The cloud kisses the moon

as they come together in the sky.

The dolphins cries wake the ocean,

The sloths' screams shook the jungle

For this moment this time,

when the cloud kisses the moon.

2009-08-02T04:06:00.002+08:00

The change is changing and I could feel it in myself too.

I think the best thing I should do and remember, is that no matter how far or high i climb, I must never forget the origins of my existence. cheers.

SMU is a Crazy Place.

Drinking and clubbing during the camp is the last thing you can think of. seriously.

Awesome.

2009-07-08T17:41:00.003+08:00

You know what is the most disgusting trait of humans? It is that we never learn from our lessons and only know how to cherish it when it's gone. Because seriously, this is happening everywhere and every-time.

I am not an exceptional. I know this myself.

It was just a frequent walk across the road and all of a sudden, this guy ran past and dashed across the road. The approaching car was cruising at a relatively high speed, with the likely scenario it was going to hit him hard in the ass. But likely suggested that this incident did not happen.

However, what happened next, i believe for me and everyone else, is that thought that ran through our minds about how this guy right there could have just gave his life to death. That thought, that freaking thought that drive through me digusted me.

Truth is, life is as vulnerable as it is strong. It's like a diamond, it is hard yet brittle.

Watching MJ's Public Memorial just drive the message even closer to your heart and soul. One moment you may be dancing and rehearsing, braving and fighting your critics, tiring and taxing your mind and soul. The next moment, you are lying in the woods, your families crying as the hearse cruise down the alley, people around the world paying tribute to a king. The songs and the speeches of the Memorial are making my heart ache.

okay. Im too tired to continue this.

2009-07-05T16:37:00.004+08:00

It's been a while. well. At least I am back now.

I was facebooking ( facebook has become a verb ) and I was looking all the different profiles of my friends. you start to notice your friends getting on with their lives, engaging themselves in new activities, into a relationship, or for some, married with kids.

It kind of hit me in the back of my head, like where am I actually heading right now. It is not that I do have any ambitions or whatsoever, but it gets scary to think how fast time has slipped passed you in a blink of an eye. That thoughts of knowing you will be 21 simply just means you are heading towards the 30-age. I am not pessimistic about what lies ahead, in fact, I am looking forward to the many adventures ahead.

Life is so full of uncertainties, isnt it?

I had a great dinner with my secondary school friends and i thank them for all the happiness they brought to my life.

Friends, they come and go. One moment, they will make an impact to your life, influence your thoughts and perceptions, and the next moment, they leave your life as though they weren't present in the first place. It's like rafting across the river, you cross that patch of water once, and with the next pedal, you pass them.

There is just simply no forever.

Eternal. ya right.

For as long as things can bring us to, this I believe.

And to Steffie,

You've been always that friend whom never left my mind. stay strong.

The stormy sky is thundering

Medusa cries as the shiny strikes

Raining of not crystal waters

They are of God's precious tears

Upon the earth the misery hits

poorest and poorer live

Who cries for these broken hearts

thank you

2009-04-26T03:00:00.002+08:00

Ask yourself this question, how often do you say thank you to everything or everyone?

Be grateful.

For every morning, I always say my thanks. =)

I am not asking for more. Seriously.

fears

2009-04-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

Fearful

Embedded the soul in the music
Undeterred about what is ahead
Terrible illusions
Horrific hallucinations

Then

Silence swallows the soul
Pushing down its guts
Claustrophobia
A room two dimensions

Don't

The cluster of lights flutter
Barricades of thoughts
Obstructions; interference
Stuffocations; ignorance

Move

The whispers died out
The thunders intimidated
The rivers dried up
The tears dissipated
He stood up
Unbroken.

When the riots start.

2009-04-13T21:44:00.003+08:00

And there it goes, the state of emergency being declared again, all in the name of democracy or some said "demo-crazy". As far as I have experience the stay in bangkok, the people there are generally friendly. Put aside those faggots restaurants who tried to cheat the tourists' money or the taxi filthy assholes who tout us into visiting brothels or watching "tiger show", the 5 days holiday was pleasant. You take the sky trains and you wont see people squeezing into the train before allowing passengers to alight, I think that is the best thing i can praise about bkk. TAKE A LOOK AT SINGAPORE!

DARN.

Every fucking morning, I see fucking faggots who tried to squeeze their god damn ass before allowing others to alight. I dont know man. There is the minority who just simply shake their heads when they witness this scene, and me, I shake it like I just popped ecstasy. Pardon my language but it is just totally turns me off. And for the record, I dont do that.

DARN.

Singapore, a country to love, and these faggots to hate. I think it is just the flip side to everything in life.

AND

With all due respects to MM Lee, he is a great and wonderful man whom I greatly respect, but having foreign immigrants( ni dong ma? ) to actually be anchor in the media or sorts, seriously, give me a break. The doctor diagnose me with an illness, xenophobia.

Blames who? I had a very bad experience with China Chinese. I think I need time to accept that, I am still learning. WOOTS

Respect and forgive. OKAY. I got that. God hit me.

And CNA is still reporting about Thailand's demoCRAZY.

Angels and demons

2009-04-11T18:17:00.003+08:00

okay. It has been a really long time since i got into this page and blogged. So long that I think i smell the decomposing gases that are emitted from the webpage. Exaggerating. I thought, being a public speaker of my nature, I ought to be sensitive with my words and thoughts. The word here, is MY NATURE, if you understand what I mean. My cousin is now reading this blog, frequency of which I am not sure of, but definitely it is time to be held responsible for what you said.

I have my own diary though. HAHA. what a vintage shit some may think.

Who cares.

Anyway, I would like to share with you guys this encounter with an angel I had today. She's my sister celestine. Today, we met up for lunch and she showed me an Easter video bout' God. Of the many things we had always shared in our conversations, I found myself always escaping from many things. I take innumerable excuses for the countless shits I had done in a bid to escape the truth of many realities.

I am an escapist, a procastinator, a historian.

It is just me. But no regrets.

However, not to deny, the video did bring peace to my heart and I am thankful for the very fact that I am still standing here, praising Him and his Works.

Mother Teresa's book brought many changes to my perspectives of my thinking and it is just this pain she had that touches the soul of many others. Like Mother Teresa, the pain and confusions I am having cannot be explain in words. The thoughts that are held inside my soul can never manifest themselves into alphabets. But unlike Mother Teresa, I couldnt come to terms with it yet.

But o well.

I am grateful a lil angel , celestine, brought great amount of peace into my life.

sweet.

"do you"

2009-02-23T22:51:00.002+08:00

"do you"

when you look up to the starry nights
do you remember about the Orion
and the many constellations i once told you about

when you receive a flower from someone
do you remember those sweet praises
when i said your smiles are like roses

when you took a stroll at the park
do you remember how we walked
alongside you holding my pinkie

when you sat down by the river
do you remember how our foreheads
touch and our lips kiss

when you think about the past
do you-
still think about me?

My friend is in a screwed relationship cause of her ex-boyfriend, so yep. For you.
and to the many who felt likewise.

I had a dream last night, which make me determined to finish this book Im writing. It had been left on my table for quite sometime already. Darn.

Goodnight.

Come, Be my Light.

2009-02-17T21:30:00.002+08:00

okay.

I would like to thank my girlfriend for giving something so special to me, Come be my light,Mother Teresa.

Now that I'm so binded to this book, I never before filled myself with so many deep thoughts and opinions. On the same note, I never thought myself to be embracing some stuffs.

With so many reflections, I felt so much peace in my heart. That calmness and serene feeling that I had not felt since everthing in my life seems to haywire. At that point of my life, I just hate everything and everyone.

In the past, I complaint when I miss the train, when im rushing for work, when the bus seems to take forever to reach to the destination. I used to think that darn it if someone stabs in my heart, if i get an illness or shit, if my parents are gone forever or so. But you know, having read this book and the many things Mother Teresa said to Holy Ghost, I started to think otherwise.

Everyhing happens for a reason and I'm always finding the answer to the happening.

It's been a long time since I really felt happy. seriously.

She's beautiful as much as the book can describe her to be. Mother Teresa. Thanks.

Say a lil' prayer, that's what ive been finding myself doing too.

World Trade Centre.

2009-02-07T18:24:00.002+08:00

What will you do, what will you say when you come to the fact that you will be dying the very next minute.

I know what I am going to say and who I would want to meet.

=)

Fullstop.

2009-02-05T22:44:00.003+08:00

.

That is how the sentence always end. A fullstop.
And that is how my parents marriage is going to end. A divorce.
Few years back, if i come to know of this new, I'll just break down and cry. All lost.
But the funny thing is, I dont seem to feel anything at all. No shits no tears. A broken heart.
I am not sure how this is going to change the course of my life. A-miss.
Like the Carousel, it breaks the sweet memories of the child when the music ends. A break.

Go on. A comma,
Face it. Fullstop.

.

okay

2009-01-30T02:42:00.002+08:00

The fan is chattering
sounds of dust choking
The radio is singing
words of love confusing
The stars are glittering
waves of light touching
No one is stopping
pieces of heart breaking
The scenes are replaying
parts of memories resonating
But the season is ending
and things are changing
We are always moving
This world that never stops spinning.

bye reeve. all the best to brunei.

hehe sister, next week? we can meet at jp u know. after i finish work.

# screwed up

2009-01-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

Feeling totally screwed up and shit right now. And the headache that I have been having for the past 2 days aint doin any good instead making things worse. Shit.

Dont wait till you lose it then you start to regret. Cherish what've you got and treasure those memories.

Do you look up the sky and speak to the stars? Cause I do and I know of one person who does it too. And we just find out how amusing and uniquely we are surviving in this world thinking that fairytales do exist and so do the stars that speak our minds.

# your eyes

2009-01-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

I find myself enjoying this calm and serene evening, ignoring everything that are happening around me. I choose to procastinate and wait for things to happen. After spending an evening with SiangLung at Queensway finding for his CNY shirts, I decided to change to my PT attire and went for a 40 mins run around my neighbourhood. Unlike any other runs I had, today's run was slow and relaxing. I ran for a while, found myself a dark spot where I just gaze upon the quiet night sky, had a silent prayer and carry on with the run. Many thoughts ran unanswered although I managed to finish my run.

I dont know what is happening man.

Screwed myself.

Right now, I am just waiting for Eminem's ablum to be out in the stores so I can purchased them. After which, you will find that angry and annoying Ivan back for a little while with no poems but dirty raps.

And I felt so digusted when I heard daddy talking to her. Darn if u know who I am talking about.

I registered for Class 2B alr. Few more months and a Vespa scooter will be mine. muahaha.

I hate being myself at times.

#stars

2009-01-18T03:18:00.003+08:00

"Then.. After.. I didnt hope at all. I didnt want Chloe to be anyone else's little girl." Addie gently off a rectangle around the grave. " But she has to be somewhere, doesnt she?"

Jack cleared his throat. " The Inuit say that the stars are holes in heaven. And everytime we see the people we loved shining through, we know they're happy."

-Jodi Picoult, Salem Falls

If you have realised, most of my poems revolve around this one particular thing, the stars. I dont know but since young, I had always find the stars and night sky very fascinating. Having this idea that what would it be like for the other beings to be living in another farfar away place from earth. What if God created another place that looks like earth and He is governing another place too? What if God is a She? Okay. That was random and uncalled for anyway.

But the stars, the cosmo and the universe, they never fail to excite me with the void that they had created in my soul.

oh wells. I guess it is time to sleep.

Im finding hard to express the person whom i really want to be.

Goodnight.

Vespa GTV 125

2009-01-17T17:54:00.003+08:00

This time, I am going to do it.

Im going to take up Class 2B and license get my scooter.

My Vespa Retro Scooter.

2009-01-11T20:44:00.003+08:00

I didnt dial your number
because I needed someone to talk to
Arms to lay on
Or sweet words to fill my ears
I didnt call you because I cant hook up my speakers
Or kill the spider above my bed
I was just wondering why
you havent called.

-Jill Scott, The Moments, the Minutes, the Hours.

I just borrowed this Lit. poems book by Jill Scott from the the Library and gosh, it's a nice book. Basically everything inside the book are poems, words that are written and kept with her for many years before it was published in 2004. I'm thinking I shall have a compilations of the many poems i'd wrote and is still writing. And to come to think about it, I used to write rap and Ive even got people calling me the next 10 Cent. haha. Courtesy of BFF.

If given a chance to let your life story be interviewed and published, how would you want it to be? The thing about life is this, a principle which Ive always abided to as I live my life, is that we are the authors of the book of life. I dont believe in God or whatever that He or They determine the path of life and I think it is bullshit. No offences but if you think about it, if our lives belong to them, darn, why do they even bother to create in the first place? If they have the whole idea of controlling our lives, then seriously, I'll rather go and die than to realized there is someone out there taking control of me.

Now that most of us are in our early 20s , you would've written almost 1/4 of the book( that if you see yourself living to the life of 80 then) and what do you think you've accomplised in life? How interesting has it been? Darn for me, I think if my life journal is to be published, you will realised half of the book is in italic texts, to tell you that those are my thoughts. And throughout my life, Ive been thinking lots of thing and many of which are too redundant to be even execute as an action.

So my new resolution of 2009 is,
Accomplished as many things I would wan to do if I was to die before 010110.
One of which is to finish that short novel I'm writing.

The sky is clear
and we're standing here
The wind is whistling
Can you hear him singing
Of the many things Ive prayed
For a better day ahead

Ive never left your side
Ive always got your back
Like the beautiful stars above
That will be your guide my love

So when you feel like crying
breaking, hating and tearing
Know that my heart is with you
A guardian angel that never leaves you

Ivan Ng.

# Jacob's Creek

2008-12-30T21:27:00.003+08:00

Someone once told me that, being in a relationship, it is about loving over and over again. And you know what, i think this statement that's said is so darn true.

I'm drinking a glass of Jacob's Greek before I get to sleep. And guys, I've got a job at Cadbury Singapore. I'll be gaining 10kg because of the chocolates I see every morning at the reception counter. Like what they say, seeing is not believing, it is eating. okay. Random.

Anyway, I just realized something about me that people may find it annoying, that is I always find myself thrown into the world of fairytales. I like to bullshit about unrealistic stuffs and believe that Santa Claus and his friends do exist. AHAHA. not to the extent. But, I like to dream about stupid things and get myself thinking about ridiculous stuffs. Tell me about it. Since young, I like to draw images from the cotton clouds and engulfed in the fires of the Endi Blyton's storybooks.

Ha. That's about it. Im going to sleep soon although it's only freaking 10pm. But who cares. Im ging to a place i call home, where i believe everything is going to be just fine. Because in reality, things don't always turn out the way you want it to be.

Fcuk it. Just a thing to note, I'm buying a butcher knife to kill my Dad's girlfriend. China slut. Yucks.

Another thing to note, I'm writing a novel. DONT LAUGH. because Im so certain it is going to be a BIG HIT in stores. =) and ive got someone i want to thank alr. haha. you know who you are.

# break

2008-12-28T03:51:00.002+08:00

Im on the verge of breaking down. Seriously.

"where is; it's here"

2008-12-24T16:15:00.002+08:00

I never thought I had a teacher whom i can like forged a friendship with. My Gp teacher is one where we can meet and chat like friends. How lucky for her that she can goes to switzerland for one darn year on holiday. haha. to acc. her husband actually.

Xmas is here anyway. I just want to wish everyone who reads my blog , A happy and merry chirstmas and a Wonderful new year. Although with the recession that may seems to set in next year, let's brave the storm ahead of us and emerge a survivor.

Christmas is a festive season to love and forgive. So come what may and go whatever that should leave. Love those who needs love and forgive those who let you down. ( although there are those that I still hate. Who gives a damn anyway). We dont have much to live, but when you give what you have to those who are less fortunate, it is the smile they show that makes you know you are living right. Do a part. Love and belove.

Cheers my friends. =)

# Anna

2008-12-19T01:26:00.004+08:00

The thing is, I am always learning and trying to give the best of my everything. But I never know whether did I make it right. Sometimes, there is always this conflicting interest in me that keeps me from making the right decision. Everytime when i take 2 steps ahead, i wil take one step back, thinking and being indecisive whether am I going the right way. Whatever the track is, I still do hope and pray that it leads to where I am heading all along.

" Daddy, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, my sweet little princess."

"Why did you and mom gave me this name Dianna? "

Ken struggles for a while, trying hard to hide his emotions from his daughter.

"Because your mom wants you to grow up to be a strong and confident lady like her. And before she leave this world, she wants a part of her to always be with us. It was like, she did know that she was not going to survive that operation. So before the anesthesia took effect and put her into unconscious state, she told me that her name will be Dianna. Dear, pay attention to your name. Your mom's name is Anna and with your name Dianna, she is always living and by your side my princess. She never left us and never will I leave you. "

# Tumor

2008-12-13T01:43:00.002+08:00

Find the place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city buzz, sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I had to find just where you are
The faces seems to blur, they're all the same

I haven been blogging for quite some time alr. It is not that I dont have any stuffs to blog but it is just funny how my mind goes blank when I plan to begin an entry. The train of thoughts that came minutes earlier just vanish in that split second, which is the reason why i carry a blackbook around with me so i can jotted down any thoughts i had as it comes to me. I dont want to let it slipped away before I can think of it again.

The truth is, many of us are always living in the past. Dont we? Everytime when I met up with my brothers for our usual kopi-ing, we will start to talk about the past. I always have a better memory of the past as compared to the present one. I dont know. Maybe because of all the many things are happening, my brain seems to be rejecting and selecting pieces of the memories to remember. Which is why my girlfriend always complains that Ive got Short Term Memory. I cant deny that because I really think im suffering from that problem.

It's been one week since I have a headache and it is still aching me. Really considering whether to see a doctor on monday. I'm always having this idea that maybe there is a worm or tumor or something in my head. Maybe an alien? darn

I'm going to sleep alr. And i need a job.

Pissed(Peace) out.

# God

2008-11-30T03:53:00.002+08:00

what if. it is all just an illusion. even us?

darn

# band

2008-11-21T01:49:00.004+08:00

I went back to pri school fr band practice today. I guess, playing that saxophone totally soothes my heart and soul and mind. And I was having a hard time strugling with those running notes. darn. i needed my dear norita junior to guide me along. LOL.

To hehe sisters: time for a meet up girls. =)

# twisted

2008-11-20T00:18:00.003+08:00

what I want to say is. I love you.

I am sick. Im havng a fever.

Right now, at this very moment, i just feel like taking a gun out and drive a round through my leg. Because, im too numb to comprehend whatever that is happening to me rright now. I saw the message she sent me and i just stood there, in the rain, trying to understand what was in the sms. Then, the song in my mp3 just happened to play An Jing Le by S.H.E. Gee. It was like everything just happen so coincidentally. Fuk.

I feel like crying but my eyes are dry.

What is happening?

Maybe I should just take the gun and shoot my own god damn head.

# explore

2008-11-17T02:23:00.002+08:00

a desire. an interest. a dream. a passion. a satisfaction. a life.

The stars in the mid-morning are beautiful. Ever read "The Alchemist"? Everything around is an omen, a sign of what is going to happen next. Tonight, the stars seem to be telling me something, like there is a message that they are trying to get across my big brain.

"Psst. Ivan. Look up here"

Looking around.

"Ivan. It's us. Look up to the night sky."

"Hey guys. man. It's been a long time since I seen just beautiful sky, where've you guys been?

"Haha. You know bout the light pollution in spore. what more can you expect. anyway, we've been watching you from above and we guess, things are not going good and smoothly right?"

"You're right. I cant hide anything from you guys. What more can I say then? Things get tough, get shitty, get tiring but we've still move on, aint it? sucks to be me u know."

"Chill dude. Take a breather. We may not understand, but we felt it. We felt the angst, sadness and confusion. There is one thing we want you to understand. Listen to your heart and hear what it says. It is not about others, it is about living your life. Your heart will never decieve you, like the stars above that will never dies on you. Even if one becomes a white dwarf, the rest will still shine. There are always things brighter on the other side of life. Embrace this moment, this life. Play it if God decides to make it a game. Gamble it and risk it, because you'll never know what turns out next. The Almighty never knows, you know it yourself."

I touch my heart. Listen to it. And realised that i knew it all along.

2008-11-16T15:33:00.009+08:00

Marina Barrage Picnic. With my dearlove and wc and his wife.

Sentosa wit Pig n Joseph

# Pioneer n Hq platoon.

#ORD LO

#fuk

2008-11-06T15:48:00.002+08:00

angst and saddness.
im feeling numb.
deceits and many lies
are just part of growing up.

things always change
im just carrying this chain
to walk this darn life
a happy life i never had.

I always smile to them
i cry and they duno when
nobody knows my heart
because i never understand my mind.

I always try to be stronger
but little did i make things better
i just want this simple life
but i'll never escape all these lies.

I'll face this world alone
Till i find a place i can atone
for all these sins i've won
I'll just walk this world alone.

i just want to give my brother and sister , the best of my everything.

# death'n'love

2008-10-31T19:54:00.003+08:00

It isn't about how much things you have achieve in life, it's about the happy memories you had before you leave this world.

what if you know that death is coming to you, and He gave you a date and time that you are going to leave?

O wells. F1 season is over and it's darn exciting. darn it. Massa didnt get world champion.

#late.

2008-10-29T23:49:00.003+08:00

late nights heal a broken soul
with so many thoughts that leave one cold.

a touch of blessing dream
and the love of missing things

our memories and twisting fate
reminds me of all those beautiful dates

keep your soul
reach for your goals
have your faith
and keep that fate.

yumyum. i craving for the suntanning tomorrow. As for now, Im going out in this wee hours to go fetch my brother from bbmac. darn him.

you know what. I feel like taking a butcher knife and stab my dad.

# XO Cognac.

2008-10-28T00:50:00.004+08:00

I like that rush of adrenaline in my blood when i get hyped up.
I like that numbness after drinking. It's like the only time my mind totally switches off.

oh wells.

I was reading my very long ago blog entry. It's a rap! and so, prelude to Eminem's new album, i'm going to introdue to you my style of rap that I wrote 2 years ago.

my dad is like those old faggots
going to batam to find some bitches
to screw them like tomorrow is the end
to lick them like kisses till the end
with hands that are so filthy
i tried to move away from this treatyb
etween a father and son and pussy
and this bullshit is driving me crazy
im pacing with tears flowing
down the cheeks i try to find some shelther
to protect myself against these weathers
the storms and thunders are killing my ears
the way i would take out a knife and stab her face
to show her how terrible i could be
my true face and soul that you'll never see

the raps of these craps are elevating
to a whole new level of skills that im showing
to prove my words and thoughts that are hiding
in my heart and they are comingto my listeners they are shouting
to your ears they are screaming
with voices that can be scary
they will make you cry with terror
i know my words are becoming annoying
with these rhymes that going ing-ing
but i dont give a damn to you people
i live in my world and my thoughts of raps

dirty hip-hops are evil
with gangstas rappers showing their knucles
but records sign them up for their power
and hear the sounds of their banks go ke-ching with money injections
i maybe a amateur rapper
rapping bullshits like some idioit crappers
but one day you will see me on mtv
in trl showing my gigs the way jin did
and makes friends with eminem and D12 buddies
you will come to me and say i love you baby

#jump. Jinfeng.

2008-10-20T18:09:00.005+08:00

下雨天了怎麼辦
我好想你我不敢打給你
我找不到原因
為什麼失眠的聲音
變得好熟悉
沈默的場景
做你的代替
陪我等雨停

I dont always love chinese song but this song had me playing in my playlist for quite a while. That sweet tinkling feeling of wanting something that seems impossible. Haa. Humans. We are never statisfied with life. The demands are forever which bring the subject of economics. How interesting.

"sometime, we have to look ourselves in the mirror and ask the question, what the hell do we really want? It hit me quite a bit, thinking I have everything but it just seems things are not getting any better. Fuck it. Fuck this motherfukin shit. We have many personas and it is only separated by a thin line. Darn."

Jinfeng's birthday is coming and so is steffie, both of em are wonderful girls that had, have and still having an impact in my life.

So is my dear lover.=)

Jinfeng: I was browsing through my hard drive and I came across the vid u did for me the other time. Gosh, the emotions that came to me was overwhelming and I swear, it was and still is the BEST gift I ever had from anyone. LoL. Dont xpect me to do something similar because i know nuts bout moviemaker(though i'm quite interested in this field). haha.

#a night at prawning.

11-11-08. 20 more days to OOOHHH ARRREEEE DEEEE LOOOO..

#childhood memories

2008-10-05T11:08:00.002+08:00

To steffie. If you are reading this.

I just wake up n smile
Wondering how much time has passed
Since the day we first met
Till the last day we never quit

I just look out n cry
Of the many things we ask why
And it just all seems funny
If only things were just easy

I just close my eyes and think
All the moments when you are the queen
We will be friends forever
And things will not change never.

#Family Portrait.

2008-10-05T00:58:00.003+08:00

In our family portrait
we look pretty happy
we look pretty normal
let's go back to that

In our family portrait
we look pretty happy
let's play pretend
act like it goes naturally.

Pink-Family Portrait

Sometime, I do wish I'm better off dead. If not for my siblings, I doubt I'll be even typing this entry right now. And Im serious bout it.

Screwed up family. Family potrait. Shattered and dead.

My girl seems to be pissed wit me cause I disappoint her at the vry last moment. sorry girl.

Things falling apart at all the correct moment to make me shitty. darn it.

#2

2008-10-04T03:31:00.002+08:00

I think everyone is going through the twilight of their youth, wondering and thinking what is life going to be after their stdueis or even better, cant seem to find a reason for living yet, people like me!

I dont know.

I always question, always doubtful about myself and who I am. I dont know myself well and I dont understand what I really want in life. Yes though, I can reach a conclusion of my character once in a while, but on the other hand, it just doesnt seem to be right?

Often or not, there are many things that I want to accomplish right now but I just couldnt find the time to do it or the enough interest to get it done.

Fuck it.

Eminem and his rap killing songs. The reason why he is so cool is because he always relate his songs to his life which relate closely to those who listen to his music. I cant wait for him to be back though because he is the reason I love Raps and emo shits.

Maybe I'll go photo-taking by myself.

#7

2008-09-29T11:52:00.002+08:00

Listen.
Be quiet.

Smell.
Breathe in deeply.

See.
Observe closely.

Taste.
The sadden mood.

Feel.
As the wind brushes ur skin.

+

2008-09-15T18:32:00.002+08:00

Gal. I'm sorry I cant be perfect but I'm always want to give the best of everything I Have.

Im obssessed with deviantart.com

Girl

2008-09-14T02:31:00.001+08:00

Gal,
Will you still love me in the morning?

I had this photo as my handphone's wallpaper and my mom is quite furious. but o well. i think its cool.

untitled

2008-09-13T03:33:00.002+08:00

Life.Lies.

I'm an emoshit guy and I like that.

Bangkok Photos coming up soon and I think i will start blogging more.

So emo again me.

Your call

2008-08-07T15:29:00.002+08:00

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
Call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat,
Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

All the songs in mtv are making me emo.

NDP system run.. bye.

Getaway.

2008-07-20T13:14:00.002+08:00

It's been sometime since my last entry. So many thoughts yet so difficult to express.

This week had been a hectic week. So many preparations to upcoming fieldcamps and there was live firing. Gee. Next week is another chaotic week too and i cant wait for next week to end. Realy need a break. Havent been going anywhere with my girlfriend at all, I need a getaway from this place.

Few days back, Joseph and I was chatting about his God during the liv firing. I wouldnt want to get myself attached to a religion for certain reasons and true enough, he was telling me I'm living in self-denial and defying logic and faith. But ya, it's difficult. I couldnt really argue with him cause he is sucha an ass and given the fact his dad is a pastor, there are many things that he shared wit me that kinda hit me in the head. And there was this mind-blowing logic that nearly threw me of my seat when he said it to me.

"If I throw an apple in the air, it will fall back to the ground. And with science, you can start calculating the acceleration and force etc. All this happen because of Gravity. But. Can we see Gravity? Can we deny the existence of Gravity because we couldnt see it?"

Haha. Our usual emo talks bout' life and religions. But this analogy he gave hit me hard Ive to admit.

For now, I'm just an ordinary guy leading a sad life. =)

damn

2008-07-13T03:27:00.002+08:00

And Ivan said
"If u cant convince them, confuse them. And when you cant confuse them, join them."

Im living in the state of self-denial to many things around me. uh-huh. This is bad.

I love Jodi Picoult and I love to get myself emo. I will name my daughter Clare when I've one.

Im 20. It's time to do something for my future and make an impact to society when Im young.

And one thing, I extended my ORD for the money.

Fuck it. Take me away.

Fall for you

2008-06-15T16:18:00.001+08:00

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Hayley Williams. Woots.

Lost.

2008-06-15T02:55:00.002+08:00

Being the special one. Be brave.

My sweetheart lover. =)

And we love black and white pictures.

epilogue

2008-06-14T14:56:00.002+08:00

Heard of the song "Byebye" by Mariah Carey? If you havent, go listen to it.
After listening to the song, memories of my deceased loved ones just flow back. I still remember the day in secondary 3 when we were told yean choi had committed sucide, i still recalled that morning when my mom refused to let me into the room to see my grandmother only to know hours later she was lying in wooden coffin and I reminisced the times my grandfather will scold me for doing all the silly things that made him angry.

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
That you can make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

You know? I am a pathetic young man struggling to believe in a faith i really want to believe in. Damn. There is a part of me that tells me I want to be a christian but... oh well.

Anyway, I passed my driving test.

break.

2008-06-01T03:00:00.002+08:00

so many thoughts. all so difficult to express and penned it down.

so many miseries. all so hard for me to just catch a breath.

Give me a break.

Life is like just watching a drama on the tv. It depicts all the faces we can see from people and the facades that they put up. My life has no difference from a drama serial too.

My girl had a haircut and im so desperately to see how it looks like. =)

byebye

Synopsis.

2008-05-19T04:17:00.002+08:00

I drank but Im not drunk. The very fact that Im awake still proves that statement. I no longer have the urge to down myself with liquor, in fact, the taste of it makes me puke. what a loser. It just got more sucky when I try to get myself drunk but my body just simply keep refusing the intake of the alcoholic substances in my body. It is not doing what its primary function should be doing. I dont feel numb and there is no adrenaline rush or sort in my blood. damn it.

I hate this. I want to get myself numb and forget bout` everything that is happening around me. I am just getting sick of it.

I hate being alone all by myself. The emotions just keep bottling up and sometime this makes me become a lil` psychotic. Sucidal thoughts do enter once in a while and it gets painful to even stay alive, breathing the toxicated air around me.

A break. That is what I need.

I dont want to be alone. I hate it when that feeling set in. I need love. I miss my girl.

I want to try writing stories. Stories that make people feel and cry. Damn. Im an emo kid.

Goodnight. =)

Yvonne is my sweet lover. =)

Bad Day

2008-05-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

I had a bad day, fucked up day. Damn.

Bitch it.

Im forced to watch the god damn Man U match with Siang lung. Damn it, my heart aches when I saw them so happy and we( Arsenal) was so close to getting it. Shit. And with players like Flamini and Hleb going to other clubs during the transfer window, I cant forsee what will be the level of playing field when Arsenal pit against the other strong teams.

Damn it.

"Put your hands on me and let our bodies caress. we dont speak, we just let it go on and on."

I dont want to start any quarrels with you, I just want to love you. Im sorry. I was bad at words and I phrase my intentions wrongly. I love you.

My dad is in a debt and I dont know how to help him.

Fuck it.

You know what, I feel like just burying myself in storybooks and let my mind remains in their fantasies. I want to meet Clare in Time Traveller's Wife.

Wake up.

cool

2008-05-10T02:26:00.001+08:00

Wow. Im in love with this phone but its 1k plus. damn

Embrace.

2008-05-01T18:33:00.002+08:00

Talking about embracing globalisation, we should welcome it with our hands and let the economy BOOM. And with that Booming, let me cite an example of the consequence that is happening in our community. I went to the People's Park centre with my girlfriend. I was actually searching for nice and cheap berms in Chinatown. True enough, People's Park wowed you the crowds and the many different dishes. But what really disgusted me is the number of cheenas bitches over there. If they are there and just doing shopping, I wouldnt care less but those bitches are hooking themselves to the aged men. Yucks. I bet those toothless old faggots have reached andropause but they are still flirting their scaly skins on the china bitches, splashing their CPF retirement money into the fire. Damn those bitches too. Yuck yuck yuckss.

I went to IMH today and they diagnosed me with xenophobia. Damn. Im getting freaked out when i see these bitches. Im not a Pro-Tibet but certainly an Anti-Chinese. Yea. Im not a participant of any demonstrations just in case the damn chinese govt come questioning bout` things. Im a Singaporean Chinese, not a Chinese Chinese. Shit them.

book in le. ciao`

Hi

2008-05-01T00:13:00.002+08:00

saucony passion run is coming up in 2 months time. Hopefully i will be able to trained up to that level of fitness and complete the 15km run! I can do it!! haha. but it seems like no matter how i hard i try to exercise, which i run like almost everyotherday, the lumps of dangling fats are still there. damn it! when will those abs be born and for me to boast around. =x

my girlfriend will be complaining how much i tend to emphasize on getting those abs. =x

but oh well.

Anyway, Im officially broke after purchasing the new specs ive bought. Its black and it's for army. damn it. 6 MORE MONTHS TO ORD and im buying lots of stuffs to meet the BN SOP standard. Althought it is 6 more months but Im having a lil of that ord mood when i saw the older scouts specs that are going to ord nxt month.

Nvm. Serve my time and off I go.

Ive so many photos in this desktop that I havent cleaned up to be edit. I just dont seem to have the time over the weekend to do things. Guess I wont be going anyway this weekend so I can stay home to settle some stuffs. Uncle said that my dad is changing for the better but im doubting it. This aint the first time he said he will change and i prefered to believe that it wont be the last time too.

I want to pick up guitar and strummed it like rockstar. haha.

Me and stefanie are still not talking yet.

And I haven met up with BFF yet.

Busy weeks ahead.

DarDar sticky to Dada. =)

everything lil' thing

2008-04-28T20:02:00.002+08:00

There was so many things going in my mind just now when I was bathing. And in that very sudden after i put on my clothes, poof, there went all my thoughts. damn it. I wanted to blogged in everything bout` it but oh well.

It was something bout` life, karma and stuffs. oh well.

Recently I have motto that go with my everyday life, and tat is everything happens for a reason. Whatever reason it may be, fuck it ya.

I am going out already, gonna go get a pair of brown specs and bok in to nee soon camp. 6 more months to ORD. =)

Chapter 1

2008-04-13T01:15:00.002+08:00

You've been like this since we were young, always wanting things to go your way or you will fuck it aside. I hate you when you acted this way and I hated being involved in my parents' affair. Just when I thought Ive enough of my Dad's problem, rumours came that my mom is having an affair with your Dad.

Yes. I doubt the coincindence but if I dont believe my mom's words, who will? The fact that she is my mom puts me in no position not to trust her. Do you even understand this? Im sick of it. Seriously, i'm tired of being pulled into these circles that are driving me dizzy.

The next thing I know, you are ignoring me as well. I couldn't care less if you cant be bothered with my mom but me, 14 years that we have been playing with one another, do you think I will ever lie to you? You know me inside out so well that I dont have to speak and you know what's on my mind. But now? Cant you see what is inside my pathetic sad mind? Do you even bother to care bout' my feelings? You know, It's always the same since we were Pri 1. You got angry, you wanted me to feel sad, you asked others not to care bout` me , I became all alone.

Im tired, burn-out, drained of all the mental willness inside me. I just want to lead my life the way I want it. I do hope that we can become friends again. damn it, my eyes are swelling with tears.

Anyway, I want to use this chance, to tell the whole word that my girlfriend is the sweetest lady in the world. Happy1anni. =)

Tags: Kahcheong: alright, lets get drunk.. haha.. Iquit drinking alr la.

High School.

2008-03-03T05:33:00.002+08:00

My friends. My brothers. Our Martell.

the ghost of you

2008-03-02T16:47:00.002+08:00

There are so many things going through my mind, so many things in this life that I want to complete but with my amount of strength, I feel weak and fragile. I felt lost when things didnt go the way as planned. I saw myself being strangled by an entity in my dreams. I stuffocate and I kicked; I want to wake up from this nightmare and carry on with my life.

We dream, all of us do, but it is what we dream that matters. I dream very often, and seldom are my dreams sweet and peaceful. From my dreams recall, I've many experiences which felt so lucid as compared to the vivid dreams many people has. I got myself killed and I killed people; and many of such dreams felt so real that I woke up to check whether my limbs have been mutilated.

Do I believe in God? I hope so. I dont know why I am saying this but many things that are happening in this life has got me pondering of what religion is all about. Im a realistic person. I will believe but I believe in what I see. I question my faith and doubt His works. I want to see Him because I want to believe in God. Who knows. Maybe God is a She?

Shall sign off here. The bites from the sandflies are irritating me. I want to meditate while I let my thoughts answer my questions. Ciao`

CNY!

2008-02-08T02:47:00.000+08:00

Chinese new year is here again. Wit my family so wrecked up, there is little anticipation to this festive season and I couldnt really care less to pay visit to everyone; although there are people whom it is a must to visit.

But still,

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. =)

Hi Dad

2008-01-20T02:25:00.000+08:00

Hi Dad.

I dreamt of God just now and we had a short conversation. You want to know the contents? I shall let you know because I dont see why should I hide it from you.

God: Son, How are you?
Me: Fine. I guess.
God: What the frown?
Me: Daddy is obsessed with his china mistress. He is spending thousands on her. God knows what that bitch is made of.
God: You want me to do something for you?
Me: Can you?
God: why not? you are my son.
Me: Kill him.
God: You sure?
Me: Why not? If you dont mind, show me where is the bitch and I would want to rape her. This will let her see why it feels like to be robbed of something important to you. And dad, maybe cut off his dick as well.
God: Deal.
Me: Thanks.

oh God, I love him as much as I hate him. Bitch.

Mooing

2008-01-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

Dear gave me a wallet for Xmas belated gift. A superb Agogo (the word she always used to describe old-fashioned vintage thing) wallet from renoma. THanks Sweetie. =)

A quote from the novel book "VanishingActs" by Jodi Picoult.

-Memories are not stored in the heart or head or even the soul, it is found within the spaces between any two people.-

Beijing

2008-01-12T11:38:00.000+08:00

China. What can I say about this country? A wonderful place to live and work?

I just read The Newpaper and came across this article about Infringement of Companies name. A businessman named Mr Zhou started a clothing line called "2000". With the large population of billions, it is no doubt that kicking a business there will bring higher revenue. So with this in mind, G2000 entered its economy like everyone is doing. Ah Zhou then decides to sue G2000 because of infringement, that G2000 is using its name to sell its product. How Fcuking Stupid?

Not only G2000 is strangled with such stupid issues, LouisVitton, a brand known to everyone and cherished by the riches is troubled with such lawsuits too. A guy, I called him Mr Coal-Miner-Face-Lookalike-Guy because his name is called WangJun( sound so ugly la), started a fashion line called LOUYIVEITEN. Poor ParisHouse Fashion line LV objected to the registration but failed.

Just when you thought this is the end? China restaurants are so desperate to make their menus bilingual that they translated the Chinese words to English, literally words by words.
Wanton Noodle or known as Yun tun Mian is written as Cloud Swallows Noodle.

Tell me about China..

Merry Xmas

2008-01-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

My sister told me that christmas is not a one-day event but it stretched for 12 days. Since today is still within the 12 days period, I thought of sharing with everyone this email my friend sent. Forget about FCG because they wont appreciate.

The Smell of Rain

At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature. Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs. I don't think she's going to make it,"he said, as kindly as he could."There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance sh e does make it, her future could be a very cruel one". Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived. She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.

"No! No!" was all Diana could say. She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away. But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana. Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl. There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.

But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there. At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero. Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.

Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story. One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing. As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent . Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?" Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain." Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?" Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."

Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like Him. It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest." Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children. Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along. During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well."I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."

This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and He asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I responded:"Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much."

Gonna leave and go back to my keat hong camp. Tomorrow Im the duty sergeant for my platoon. What a dread. Ive to marched them from point to point and ensuring they fall in on time.

Reply of tag:
Weijing: See u see u.. =)

ciao`

Guardian Angel

2007-12-31T00:36:00.000+08:00

I havent blog for quite a while and I didnt really have the time either. Book-out times are usually used for resting or going out, seldom do I spent the time staying at home and typing this entry.

Since the last entry I entered, many things have happened. Im now attached to Archer company to be instructor for the mono intake recruits. Not much to describe about them except for the fact they are a damn difficult lot to handle and "tamed". Each recruit has his individual attitude and they would not care about what others have to say about them. Shit them.

Vishaki had left Singapore for Aussie and Consonance is now short of one member. I wonder when will be the next time theconsonance could get together and put up another performance for the audience.

I had a nightmare a few nights ago where I dreamt of myself dying from some chronic illness. I woke up with my forehead sweating and it just kept me thinking what the dream meant. Im a dreamer, someone who dream a lot and i couldnt remember the last time i really had a good night sleep without any dreams inflitrating my souless mind.

The recent of news of Bhutto's assassination and the car-accident of a young family guy do hit me hard on whether I had live my life to the fullest. The dream may be a hint from my soul that "hey ivan, you should start living life and stop sulking."

I really have many things in mind which I want to accomplish but often, such tasks which I try to achieved are hinder by my laziness attitude. But now no, with a new year brings new resolutions.

This year, Im going to be a better person, a better guy and a better boyfriend. Im going to spend less on useless things and donate more to Sinapore pools. Commenting less about people and drink less.

Woots. FROM JAN 11, ITS 11 MONTHS TO ORD.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL , especially my family, girlfriend and my brothers.

DEC 11 2007

2007-12-07T17:12:00.000+08:00

All thanks to AFIQ. The Black Parade is coming up.

2 weeks sweetie. Dont miss me. =)

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

2007-12-06T01:05:00.000+08:00

After much consideration, Ive decided to go watch MCR concert. So, I will be going to Sistic to the tickets with dear afiq. He Bloody Hell psychoed me to the concert. But since Ive made up my mind, LET'S ROCK IT FIQ.

The Days in SISPEC

2007-12-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

My SISPEC group of best buddies

FARHAN, MY 2nd BEST BUDDY

SECTION 3

YOU KNOW WHAT

2007-11-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

I found my long lost brother in Heeren.

You know what? I think she is having a real bad headache.
Look the size of that Medication oil.

Lastly, Stupid Reeve Birthday.

Insights

2007-11-26T19:11:00.000+08:00

Just some thoughts to ponder.

1) Chinese Premier Wen JiaBao came to Singapore and he was brought to ToaPayoh for sightseeing. Maybe also to learn how Singaporeans are able to live in harmony despite our different races and religions. But I was thinking, why ToaPayoh and not Geylang? I mean, Geylang is where his most of his fellow cheenas came here to work. Am I not right?

2)The Golden Compass. What is the big fcuking fuss bout` it? Cant we just apprciate movies with a simple mind instead of thinking so deeply that it is trying to promote atheism. Just because the movie is about talking bears and witches, does it means atheism? If so, what is about the many fairy tales that we were being told since young. Wolf that can talk in the Little Red Riding Hood? Intellectual pigs in The 3 Little Pigs? Witch in the Snow White? Just tell me, what is the fuss about with those conservative christians? If a child or adult's faith get so easily swayed by a movie, who's fault is it? The movie or the teachings? If the fundamentals are set correctly for the youngs, will they get into believing in atheism?

Stupid. Darn ridiculous things to fuss about.

Check out my dumb conversation with my BFF.

jinfeng. have faith says:hahaha actually i want to tell you smth
jinfeng. have faith says:ask me what
IVAN [ No One ] says:...
IVAN [ No One ] says:don wan
IVAN [ No One ] says:u won want to keep it to urself
jinfeng. have faith says:HAHHAA
jinfeng. have faith says:JUST ASK ME LAAA
IVAN [ No One ] says:WHAT LAA
jinfeng. have faith says:hahhaha
jinfeng. have faith says:ask in a nicer way can anot
IVAN [ No One ] says:okayy
IVAN [ No One ] says:wat thing?

My retarded friend. Jinfeng..

no one

2007-11-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

"No One" by Alicia Keys.
Specially for my Gal.
Times may get hard, I agree, but no one, no one is going to pull us apart. The obstacles ahead may seem difficult, believe me, we will go through it together. =)

By the way, for the audience, Alicia Keys's new album is great with her sweet strong vocals accompanied by the melodious chords. It classic mixed with a lil' pop and jazz. Nice album for the emo souls. haa. Great week everyone.

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

Sentosa

2007-11-12T17:48:00.000+08:00

#sweet

#7 months le

#she lives in geylang. China girl

#PEPS band rocks.

Gone

2007-11-11T02:48:00.001+08:00

Brother Reeve is sad and I can more or less understand how he feels. But, I dont really know how to console him though, guys are lousy when communicating with one another. Oh Well. Its time to move on.

Tomorrow is dear's dad birthday. Im kinda stressed because its e first time Im eating a dinner with my girl whole family. Gagagaga. Im ready to get scrutinised by her mom with many questions up her sleeves. Alright.

I called jinfeng today and she didnt pick up or return my call. She is so so so so going to get it from me.

MCR

2007-11-10T02:16:00.000+08:00

Should I or Should I not go for MCR Black Parade Concert?

memory

2007-11-09T00:36:00.000+08:00

Memories are bittersweet. They can come to you as a sweet berry hanging by the roadside, and the next thing you know, it could just rob you of your soul.

My life. I lived with numerous of regrets during my teenage life. Regrets that sometime make you feel like cutting your own wrist so that the adrenaline rush could just ease the numbness of the wound in one's heart. Regrets that sometime makes you feel like crying and hoping that that someone didnt just leave you.

These regrets feed on the memories that I cherished. They polluted my sweet memories and churn out a product of shits.

Why am I getting so emo?.

I just surf the friendster and I saw YeanChoi's profile with terence's comments. That afternoon, Ive could had been with her until I decided to take the bus instead of the usual Mrt. And now, she's darn freaking dead and I couldnt have the chance to ask her out again. THe week before the sucide, we went to Fiji Ice-skating and we had many great memories there. Terence held Cindy's hand and I held hers, and now, gone.

Sorry I wasnt there when you need someone.

Gotta bless you.

Desert

2007-10-31T20:59:00.000+08:00

"The dunes are always changing but the desert never change.
And that's the way I feel about the love we have." Fatimah said.

A phrase I read from "The Alchemist".

For my girl.

Egg Tarts

2007-10-28T18:04:00.000+08:00

Sweetie dear gave me these 2 pies. Loves.

Faith

2007-10-28T13:07:00.000+08:00

Faith and Religion

#248

2007-10-27T16:45:00.000+08:00

maureen's 19th birthday =) Got some of the photos from jose's blog.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

Hey Stifler, What ya doing with mummy?

Condemned

2007-10-21T20:19:00.000+08:00

Just when we thought we have enough of Crocs in the trend, what is more disgusting are those people with their long fringe highlighted and left dangling like some dead corpes.

God. It just couldnt get worse when you see people on the streets with those hairstyle. Bust it. Didnt anyone tell them that those shits are way out of being cool. They are in fact far from being cool than hip. Let's name them the condemned.

I couldnt care less if those people happen to read this blog and started swearing and cursing at me, as a matter of fact, I believe there are more than a thousand or so who agrees with me.

Yucks. It just get sicker to know the fact that there are people I know who are like this.

Pieces of shit.

Egg Tarts

2007-10-21T02:18:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 weeks since i blogged. Through the week in the army, I always have in mind what I want to blog about when i reached home. However, it seems that everytime when I started on a new entry, my mind just went blank. Oh well.

I've been reading "The Historian" for one month but I havent finish it. God damn it because of the tight schedule Ive had when attached to Archer to be Auxillary Instructor. Now that the course is over and Im back to Stallion, I will finally some peace to finish the book by this week.

Lately, Im into indie shit because of reeve. His damn influences of indie music are starting to have an impact on my stand on rock music. I hate him.

Saturday morning was quite a bore. I went to BBDC to re-enrol my Driving Account and Ive to pay extra fees for neglience to extend the expiry date of my account. Darn it. BBDC is a money vampire, feeds on money. I want to get my license asap so I can use my dad's Hyundai Getz to get around Singapore. MakanSpree with the Stifler's family, starring me and reeve, will become an important task to try all kinds of cusine that Singapore has to offer. Moreover, with that license, driving around with my dear will no longer become an issue. Great!

Late in the evening, I went to celebrate Mau's birthday at Telok Ayer Manna Korean Restaurant. I dont know bout' the girls but certainly, korean foods dont really suit my tastebuds. Jose did a great job in the getting the video clip done and I bet Mau is darn happy bout the surprises.

I love Egg tarts and my girl.

Yvonne

2007-10-07T19:08:00.000+08:00

Im missing her.

The Great Escape

2007-10-07T13:55:00.000+08:00

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they sayT
hey don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

Yesterday, me and my girl popped over the Asian Civilisation Museum for the lastest installation of South-East Asia artefacts. I was quite mesmerised by the Buddha statues and the its history. I was telling my mom about my trip and she actually told me that my last life was some Buddha God, that during this life I have many affinity to Buddhism.

I was thinking...

If Im really some God in my last life, then I should be some noble now. However, its far from it, now im just another asshole who always comment on others together wih brother reeve. I see my character and style much similar to the style of Xiaxue. Oh well.

I cant seemto contact my girl and Im getting worried. =\

Oh Mandy

2007-10-06T10:39:00.000+08:00

I got a gnome in the backyard
I put him right on the X mark
He'’s supposed to show me where the money is
Hey wont you show me where the money is
I got it all on the back of my hand
I want your answer so I won't forget
Then show me right where your heart is
Oh right now tell me where your heart is

Oh Mandy.

Im meeting my girlfriend later and I cant wait =)

Flying Into Eternity

2007-09-22T00:44:00.000+08:00

Trying to find a way
Getting better everyday
And I got you now I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in

This week has been quite an hectic week. Wednesday was my ATP test and the most shit thing was, I was only one shot away from Marksman. Damn crap. There goes the money and the badge. On Thursday, most of the specs went back to the range for reshoot or as safety specs, so the SP coy was left with only 2 pioneer spec and 2 motar spec. Darn it, imagine all the shits we have to do with so lil' manpower.

Today was bookout day and so I went to met Reeve. As usual, we went on our makanspree and today destination was Geylang Teochew Porridge. The way the porridge was served and the taste of it reminded me of how me and my grandfather used to sit by the dining table and savour on the wonderful lunch prepared by my grandma. The essence of the Teochew Heritage is truly tasted in that small bowl of porridge. Today was quite an experience too, it was kinda the first time I stepped into the Red Light District. While we were eating, the table opposite us was occupied by the "Dong Ding Dang" nationality. Walked a few more metres down the road and you will treated to a street of " Ni Hao Ma" nationality of women.

After makanspree, Reeve and I went to Plaza Singapura to meet Mei and Lian. Because dear Lian was the supervisor tonight, we went in and sat down on the sofy chair while waiting for Kezia to join us.

I so want to get myself a Canon DSLR and a tattoo at the back of my neck.

My girl just drew something for me. Thanks my girl I love you. =)

nostalgia

2007-09-17T21:02:00.000+08:00

This busy weekend is finally over and I manage to squeeze out some time to meet m brothers in the afternooon then meet my girl(i miss her soooo much) in the night for dinner. I went to Sembawang CD shop this afternoon to get a present for yijia. The Shop was playing some instrumental music which really did a lot to soothe my mind. I hope this 20 dollars cd can perform wonders to my already-sick soul.

Come to think about it, now its the period when every students are mugging for their exams. I still remember, this time last year, I was still mugging like crazy with bitchy jinfeng. I would wake up in the morning at 6am, struggling to get myself out of my cosy bed and meet jinfeng at McDonald BB to study. 8am in the morning and trust me, I would spam myself with caffine just to keep myself awake for the day ahead. Now and then, Me and jinfeng will start bitching and talking shit. I would, " Jinfeng, who do you think is the boy's girlfriend" or "Jinfeng, I tell you, last time me and my ex will......" She wll be so sick of my talking that she wil start asking me to shut up and study. She helped me in my Econs and I helped her a lil in maths. Not forgetting that I would get myself a box of Hello Panda and a bottle of water to keep myself hydrated and full. That's the reason why I grew so fat over the studying period.

Oh well. Jinfeng should be proud that I wrote a whole entry about her.

Ciao` Booking in already. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YIJIA.

Swing-Swing

2007-09-08T17:37:00.000+08:00

The malays from the nearby community centre are practising their drums in the multi purpose hall. Their orchestrated melody is somehow drawing a picture of how I am feeling. The fast and ferious pace is painting the sky with dark clouds and vultures while the transition into a slow and soft melody is drawing a group of warriors trying to fight against their enemies.

My heart is struggling very hard and it is as though those vultures flying above me are preying on my dying spirit.

Im a warrior. Yes. I couldnt give up as yet because there are people whom Ive got to protect. Im a survivor and I will survive.

Graduation Ceremony.

2007-09-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

Armour Pioneer Specialists of the SAF. With Pride We lead.

See the lady beside me? Man! She is one garang woman and one lady that wont lose to no man for sure. And she is my BUDDY. Best Trainee for our course.

Atone for One's Sin

2007-09-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

A chance for redemption.

2007-08-24T12:06:00.000+08:00

I thought, maybe this is the only avenue to channel all my thoughts and have everything that happened last night piled away.

The morning rain did little to make my mood feel better. The sun that is being covered by the grey clouds is a metaphor to what Im feeling right now. My vision is foggy and I couldnt catch a breathe with the cold wind streaming into my freezing nose. I'm tired, suffering from what they called near-depression syndrome, and I'm doing my very best to make the best out of everything. I hid my sadness from my parents, I kept my deepest emotions in my heart, I threw away all the trust I've gave her.

The rain is getting heavier and with every drops that hit the ground, my heart gave another crack. The serene surroundings in the open seems to be calming everyone's heart but inside this house, my mp3 is blasting with rock music that is deafening every thoughts that are trying to sound my soul.

I thought I've given my best. My friends said its not my fault but still, Im blaming myself for everything that happened. It seems like everything Ive done in the past are useless, like a monument that was being craved by blood and sweat of an artist but turned into a shit in the eyes of those who didnt appreciate it.

" If only we could go back in time then things may be different now." That's what people always say when things happen. I do hope such things are possible too, then everything that had happened will not happen.

As a brother, I dont care what mistakes she made, I dont want to know the seriousness of her offences, all I ever want to do is to see her grow up, from a girl to a lady. I dont care how long that will take, it doenst matter to me. Until that day has come, I will give her a hug and tell her," You've made it."

I love her and I do. She is one of the 3 women of my life.

Time pass with every words that I typed. Out of the window, the clouds are clearing and the rain is getting lighter. I could feel the rays of the sun touching my skin and the breeze that brushes through my cheek. My nose is cleared of the icy dew and Im breathing strongly again. Gasping for oxygen, my heart feels stronger and my soul is ready to brave the storm ahead.

I love her more than anyone else.

Everyday without fail, Im praying for her.

2007-08-09T16:34:00.000+08:00

Off from National Day and I spent my whole day doing nothing, apart from watching countless movies though.

Life in army is getting quite tough recently because of a careless mistake my section made. The seriousness of this mistake did send my commanders to nuts and as a result, we were sent to hell to receive countless tekan-sessions. Adding to the pain from these trainings was the hot and sunny sun which drained out the last bit of water from our already-dehydrated bodies. The lack of physical trainings are causing me to put on a lil more flaps of fats on my hip, darn it, I should really do something bout` it before it gets out of hand again.

Blame it on the movie "300" but after watching that movie, the bodies of those guys did throw me out of my seats. For once, I'm really determined to cut down on those extra loads and achieve the perfect abs. Army really did push my body to further boundaries. Physical tasks such as 9 chin ups used to be a dream in the past but now its a norm. Tough and realistic trainings did give me the lil' strength to accomplish more than what I can do. Never did I expect that I could slim down as much and true enough, being fit really does make a person feel much confident. The fall-side of this, Im becoming more of a metrosexual because I watched my diet everyday. Sinful foods are only allowed during weekend and only to a certain limit.

Laugh at me but I'm hoping to hit at least 4 pacs on my abs and nice curvature of torso by the end of this year. Counting down, I still got 4 months to trained so I guess its possible to achieve it.

uh-huh.

Me and my love are already 4 months together. =)

Book in alr. Bye.

2007-08-05T01:39:00.000+08:00

Life was so simple back then. Everything was just alright. A 3-room HDB, squats for toilets, miniature air-conditioner, iron-grilled gate, ugly bulky doors. As a kid, Im happy with my life. Everytime I dug out the photo albums of the past, I got sad because of the memories. My sister and brother were so innocent and young. I always love them till now.

There is this photo that I held for quite a while, the one that shows our complete family potrait.

Fcuk it. Im getting emo and I hate these emotions that are rushing through me and out of my guts.

Growing up. How often do we paused and reminiscence the past?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The clouds are gathering and I couldnt see the stars. And I hate it because the stars are the only things that could lift my mood during the night.

Stars. Do they hear my prayers?

2007-07-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

#230

Surprisingly, I stayed at home for the whole day. The furthest i went was actually Bukit Panjang Plaza. Going to book in 2 hours and I felt like I havent accomplish anything yet. I dont really like being at home. The happiness and laughters that once filled this home seem to be buried behind the think concrete walls. Despite the frantic search for the hope of a family reunion, Im doubtful of the walls being torn down.

Mummy told me that there are guys out there wooing her. I don't know how should I react to this news. Should I be happy for her? I havent really spoke to my dad for quite some time. He had always been hanging out late at night during the friday while I will be out on the weekends. Im still wondering whether daddy still has contact with his cheena mistress.

If there is one thing that I really do hope for..

I want to tear the walls of this home so that the happiness and laughters will once warm the house.

Oh well. Will tthings ever change just by hoping?

Hack.

Shattered windows

Broken dreams

So many things

are happening

within this scene

Im hoping to see

I reaped

whipped

and kicked

my daddy

who couldnt think

of all the misery he brought

to my life and heart

I jammed

gagged and rapped

blasting the music

torturing my ears

the way you tortured my heart

I listened

and I heard

my siste crying by the kerb

alone she weeped

as I saw mummy keep

her clothes she's gonna leave

I think Im sick

with all these thoughts running

I nid a kick

to get myself breathing

and maybe

dont care bout me.

"Alive"

2007-07-28T03:13:00.000+08:00

#229.

My sister just recovered from a fever and it's my brother turn to get one. I have been checking on him for the whole night and Im praying hard that he gets well. With all the dengue epidemic in the city, I will start to think otherwise when my mind goes paranoid.

Tomorrow will be going to sentosa with my brothers. Havent been there to sun-tan for quite sometime alr and I hope tomorrow will be a WONDERFUL day. Hopefully it doesnt rain.

A poem for a friend. A distant friend yet close to my heart. Stars. Friend hasnt been really feeling quite alright, so hopefully this will do friend good.

Stars twinkling with streaking light
Gazing under deep night sky
Reminds us of our missing times
When we still have each other touch
Clouds may block the twinkling stars
But never will it last
And its Angel always stood by the side
Blessing and Praying for your life. =)

My Sweetie. =)

2007-07-14T11:37:00.000+08:00

Insight.

Not the usual kind of entry that i will try, not about my daily lifestyle, not about my routine and no any of the photos that Im going to upload.

Just an insight about life, the vulnerability of life that all of us are holding with.

True indeed if u read the newspaper, that many lives are lost from disaters and tragedy, be it whether it is natural or unnatural. There is no doubt that at any point of our lives, the life that He gave us could be robbed by Death. Where do we go after this? Heaven, hell or some dimensionless world.

My auntie is a religious person and she was telling me all kind of philosophy about God and Life. In my idea, God doesnt refers to Jesus or Allah or Jade Emperor or any other Almighty of a religion, my God refers to the ultimate being that support lives on Earth. She was saying about the existence of this place where our souls will return after we die and when the world comes to an end. Armageddon will set upon this world, something which I quite believe, but like what we know bout` Mother Earth, this world will resurrect and a new world will be alive.

Gaia. Any idea what is that? Its a Greek mythology person, otherwise known as the Goddess of Earth.

All of us knew it all along how accessible Death is to our lives. He can just take it anytime, anywhere, regardless of any reasons or excuses. Death, as an entity, personifies itself in the form of illnesses, murderers, disaters etc. So what if we know?

Many people are too caught up with their careers that they tend to forsee other goodies that God is giving us. The trees that He gave love to, the clouds that he gave soul to or the river that He gave his feelings to. How often do you look to the sky and thank God that you are still living and kicking hard? I do, umpteen times, that I've got my loved ones with me.

Do live and live hard. A sentence from Mother's Teresa which I always remember, " Life is a game, Play it."

2007-07-09T15:05:00.000+08:00

070707. Live Earth cum Ivan's 19th Birthday. =)

Thanks to those who msged me throughout the night while I was doing my guard duty and also to those who forget my birthdays because they didnt bother me much when Im taking my 3hrs shift nap.

My gal gave me a shirt and a card. Shall not reveal about the contents of the card. Its contents are classified above top secret.

My beloved sister gave me this card and a present she made herself. Really sweet of her and treasure it a lot.

Sabrina and my brother got me this book because they know I love to read. Havent really started reading the book but Im anticipating the world and dimension this book is going to give me.

Thankie Cherling for the card. =)

My siblings. They are my pillars of support and the reason why I am still living and typing this entry. After the separation of my parents, they were the one that were much affected from the incident. For them, I told myself to stay strong and brave through this obstacles. If not for the, there is no much reason why should I even bother bout` this family. Never mind about what happen in the past because it's the future that will bring us more challenges. Loves

My brothers. Love us or Hate us, we are all in it together. Shit or no shit, we couldnt care less. That's the way we live our lives.

2007-07-01T12:32:00.001+08:00

Man. I spent one hour uploading these photos because the size of the photos were way too big. but oh well. Like to thanks these people because they gave me a birthday surprise at vivo yesterday. Thanks Hehe Family. =)

Sweet of them. Yep.

2007-06-30T12:21:00.000+08:00

Many things have been running through my mind recently.

I took this photo and Reeve did the edit. Nice edit job and it really brings out the essence of brotherhood. Anil brothers.

Woots. Afiq said I looked fcuking slim in this photo. haha. maybe its just the camera angle.

Replies to Tag:

yijia: lol.. Drive me around Singapore?
Kc: U and ur gal are couple of nuclear explosive. haha

2007-06-18T19:42:00.000+08:00

I had quite much fun spending time with my brothers and girlfriend this weekend. Yesterday, I went for 7km run with Brother Weecheong around the Yew Tee neighbourhood. Not bad though because this is the first time i ran continuous for 45 mins. The feeling after the run was great and we were sweating as though we just had a bath. After the run, went to meet my girl and shopped around marina square. Yep. was shopping for CHER LING PRESENT but I couldnt think of what to get for her. I was still thinking of sending a cake over to Aussie. Oh well, she wouldnt want to eat that cake that had been rotting in the plane for hours?

Went back to College today to collect my A level certificate and I met most of the tutors. Reminiscing the past as I walked along the ramp to the canteen. I miss the chicken rice, the time i spent my time outside my cca room, talk cock with the pe teachers, studying in classs, walk around the school compound with afiq and the times with s12. what wonderful memories. =)

In the afternoon, I went to Mustafa Centre with Reeve. After he bought his stupid retro casio watch, we went to Lembu Road and tried some Middle East Cuisine. The mutton was so spicy and nice but stupid reeve doesnt know how to appreciate. While on the way to Bugis street, he brough to this Desker Road. There's a narrow alley with the backdoors of shops open. Walked along alley and we saw many old prostitues inside the pinkie room. Apart from that, you can see oldie faggots selling all kinds of pills and toys. Yucks.

Alright. Let me share with you people the testimonial that my teacher wrote for me. After reading, you will definitely conclude that the testimonial must had been someone else.

In his two years at PJC, Ivan was a conscientious and industrious student. He was also a responsive and attentive student who participated actively in group discussions. In the latter, He exhibited thoughtful and percptive views, while at the same time sensitive to the opinions of others. He portrayed a determination to overcome uncertainties by consulting regularly with his tutors to clarify specific issues. He was polite inhis dealings with teachers and classmates.

READ ON if u are still able to. haa

At the Class Committee level, Ivan was unanimously elected Class manager in 2005 and 2006. Inthis capacity, he carried out his duties with tact, courtesy, fairness and consideration for others. His civics tutors were particularly pleased with the assistance and support he rendered in managing the class. Ivan was equally active in CCA and blah blah blah. Being a civic conscious person, Ivan completed 280 hours of CIP performing a variety community services where he always led his class in volunteer work. Ivan's leadership qualities were demonstrated when he wa involved in O1 and 2 as an OGL.

Ivan impresses one with his maturity and independence. He comes across as a prson with a very clear set of goals. THis is accompanied by a strength of purpose and determination required to pursue those goals. Overall, Ivan's intellectual capabilities and his forceful and motivated personality will allow him to achieve considerable success, as he embarks upon the subsequent stages of his career and personal development.

Is this the Ivan you know? haha

Oh. And I was awarded Most Improved Student Award and Community Service Award. Woots~

2007-06-17T14:21:00.000+08:00

I wrote this while I was having my Demolition lecture.

The river never stops flowing
and seasons never stop changing
The world will never stop spinning
and hearts will never stop loving

Life is a vulnerable entity
with ups and downs along the way
But with every step met with an obstruction
Friendship has a strong love that will pull us through.

Specially for those who are close to me. =)