sucide

smoke, clubs, beers, can these desires i had change the way these shits that are happening around me. i smoke, not because im want to act like some shit, i did it because its a habit. smoking its a habit that i adopt, thinking that i could smoke my troubles away. true enough, these shits still linger. so i quit. i drink, not becasue i want to have fun, i drink becasue it numbs my feelings. it has the ability to drain away my sorrows and push the adrenaline around my body so i can feel happy and stupid. ironically, drinking makes me feel foolish when i got drunk and it makes me look stupid when i cry out my misery.

everytime when i face these problems, i hesitate and stagger for a little while. the reason? i do not have the courage to accept these shits and get some solutions to solve them. often, i chose to just run away from reality and hopefully time will heal these wounds. nonetheless, these shits still persist. im often throw into a dilemma when handling these affairs, which side should i be bias to and who should i be bias against.

no doubt that i could not run away from this forever. im going into the army in a month time and im worried for my sibling, especially my lil sis. lil seems to be in contrast to the age she is but she is still that innocent gal in my heart. if i had to choose the position some women i had in my life, my sister will be in the no.1 spot which follows by my mom then my ex.

sometime reality does has the potential to kill someone. it can push a person off the ledge of skyscraper or entice a person to walk into the middle of the road and get himself killed. the slightest thought of such perception is dangerous considering the fact i experienced this few days back. thank god i met my brothers, iris, and the stars. the stars, she always brighten the darkest moment of my life.

can i love you like the way i always did?
i still........