# God

what if. it is all just an illusion. even us?

darn

# band

I went back to pri school fr band practice today. I guess, playing that saxophone totally soothes my heart and soul and mind. And I was having a hard time strugling with those running notes. darn. i needed my dear norita junior to guide me along. LOL.

To hehe sisters: time for a meet up girls. =)

# twisted

what I want to say is. I love you.

I am sick. Im havng a fever.

Right now, at this very moment, i just feel like taking a gun out and drive a round through my leg. Because, im too numb to comprehend whatever that is happening to me rright now. I saw the message she sent me and i just stood there, in the rain, trying to understand what was in the sms. Then, the song in my mp3 just happened to play An Jing Le by S.H.E. Gee. It was like everything just happen so coincidentally. Fuk.

I feel like crying but my eyes are dry.

What is happening?

Maybe I should just take the gun and shoot my own god damn head.

# explore

a desire. an interest. a dream. a passion. a satisfaction. a life.

The stars in the mid-morning are beautiful. Ever read "The Alchemist"? Everything around is an omen, a sign of what is going to happen next. Tonight, the stars seem to be telling me something, like there is a message that they are trying to get across my big brain.

"Psst. Ivan. Look up here"

Looking around.

"Ivan. It's us. Look up to the night sky."

"Hey guys. man. It's been a long time since I seen just beautiful sky, where've you guys been?

"Haha. You know bout the light pollution in spore. what more can you expect. anyway, we've been watching you from above and we guess, things are not going good and smoothly right?"

"You're right. I cant hide anything from you guys. What more can I say then? Things get tough, get shitty, get tiring but we've still move on, aint it? sucks to be me u know."

"Chill dude. Take a breather. We may not understand, but we felt it. We felt the angst, sadness and confusion. There is one thing we want you to understand. Listen to your heart and hear what it says. It is not about others, it is about living your life. Your heart will never decieve you, like the stars above that will never dies on you. Even if one becomes a white dwarf, the rest will still shine. There are always things brighter on the other side of life. Embrace this moment, this life. Play it if God decides to make it a game. Gamble it and risk it, because you'll never know what turns out next. The Almighty never knows, you know it yourself."

I touch my heart. Listen to it. And realised that i knew it all along.

Marina Barrage Picnic. With my dearlove and wc and his wife.

Sentosa wit Pig n Joseph

# Pioneer n Hq platoon.

#ORD LO

#fuk

angst and saddness.
im feeling numb.
deceits and many lies
are just part of growing up.

things always change
im just carrying this chain
to walk this darn life
a happy life i never had.

I always smile to them
i cry and they duno when
nobody knows my heart
because i never understand my mind.

I always try to be stronger
but little did i make things better
i just want this simple life
but i'll never escape all these lies.

I'll face this world alone
Till i find a place i can atone
for all these sins i've won
I'll just walk this world alone.

i just want to give my brother and sister , the best of my everything.