love?

forget bout it`
i feel pressurized.
she's not my type.
i tried to be a better man, but dont think she'll appreciate it
i feel that i've hope, at the same time, i feel it's just plain shit
never mind. i just love her the way she is
together or not together, does not matter to me anymore

argh.. fuck it.. i am feeling like a trash..

its better off this way

i guess, my thoughts are through. maybe its ok for me to fail this promos. i was talking to the Almighty last night. we had quite a chat. he told me that the stars i love are still shining above my head and with this, i must live on with determination and will. i felt the warmth He placed in my heart. i understand His intentions and plans. i guess maybe the route to poly may be a better course out. in any case, i hope the friendships i've make in pj stay strong.

me and stef are planning to go overseas next year. maybe to thailand or hong kong? its gonna be fun i guess. for your info, stef is my childhood friend. she understands me inside out. geez, there's no way i could lie her through my eyes. exciting!

i miss you, meisi =]

failed

let's see
my raw score
i failed my GP, i got 2 A level passes, 1 failed.
but the overall score is not out yet.
i am disappointed, down to the minimum point of my life
i cant have a secure promotion
i may get a chance to re-exam
but this chance is not confirmed given to me.
but i doubt this re-exam will make much of a difference
i tried very hard, got this far, but i failed in this junction of life
i've got to pull myself up again to do well for my re-exam
although i hate this jc-structure, but i always wanted to get into a Uni.
also, i dont wanna leave this group of true friends and not to mention, her.

god bless the you guys
i'm dead
fuck it.

don't forget about us

i'm going to get my results tomorrow. sigh. the thought of it totally freaks me out. for now, i cant sleep, cant eat , cant think, i am feeling totally nervous. geez. will i get a mental breakdown tomorrow? seriously speaking, i'm afraid i may not be able to take the blow tomorrow if i fail. i had been always telling my friends that i'm prepared. but the fact is that, i'm not. sigh* as a matter of fact, my brothers are cursing me to fail. thanks for that! haa.. but i know that they're joking.

i've set my career goal, and right now i am trying to get the passport to Uni. its just another obstacle ahead of me, the promos and the As. i want to get myself into the airforce, getting the job as air engineer officer. then i will work hard in this job prospect till i achieve the post of a chief engineer. from there, i would be earning a huge sum of money, where i will start my own business. seems so far-fetch, but yet its lies within my own hands. god, please give me the strength to carry on ya?

apart from this straight career prospect, i've another ambition in my mind. *to be a freestyle rapper, a recognized freestyle rapper* alright alright, i'm just dreaming ya. haa..

life hasn't been a smooth-sailing trip for me. although i'm quite satisfied with everything around me, my heart seem to be demanding for more. truthfully, deep inside me, i think i've a split personality. i've always been a very nice person to everyone i know, but when that temper inside me flares up, i became a totally different person. i act totally different when i'm in school uniform, and when i'm in outside clothes. it projects a totally different character traits of mine. i can either be mr.nice or mr.evil. cruel thoughts linger inside my brain at times, i appreciate death and gothic-livings a lot. skeletons and decomposing body may seems disgusting to others. but to me, i feels it's art, or rather a sculpture of the living dead. brusque attitude towards the dead? nope. i just let myself feel with sorrow and respect within my soul.

i doubt myself at times. the way of thinking towards relationship. after the break-up with my ex, i had a total different perspective towards love. it seems to me that being rejected my a girl doesnt matter much to me, as a matter of fact, i could just like another girl next door. it does not take a rocket scientist to tell you how to change your feeling. at that point of time, i seems like a total jerk-ass. but right now, a girl change me totally. although i accept the fact that i will never win her heart, i've learn once again how to love a person whole-heartedly. i had been always trying to build my on my own confident, which i believe is lacking inside me. when it comes to loving someone, my confident and self-esteem would eventually fall to the minimum. i'm trying to be a better man to the girl i like and cherish.

all the best to me and my fellow classmates tomorrow
god bless you guys
god bless her too
and for me,
i'll let myself rest-in-peace
i love her =]

coughing*

its been raining alot recently, bad temper flare by heaven? a punishment to these earthlings creatures who had been doing much harm to mother nature? the comfort zone that we are living in prove to be disgusting? the evil-side of our characters slowly surface to our skin, however it prove blind to those who cant accept the fact. just to conclude one thing, i am sick due to this bad weather.

i had been coughing a lot, for the entire week i guess? i guess i am stricken with some terminal diseases, am i dying? sometime i think a lot with regards to death. will i die with any regrets? most of the time i would i ask myself, who would i want by my bedside when i died in an accident? i just had this feeling that i would die early, maybe at an age of 30 or so? i dont know. it's all lies in the hands of fate, my decisions and the way i choose to believe things. i wont bother much bout death, i am more fantasized by death. my uncle is going to take me to bukit brown, where he told me i could i take some pictures of human skeletons. but he caution not to find him if i get terribly sick. haa.. so should i or should i not? that's the question!

homo sepians are weird stuff. they often choose to get themselves hurt in situations or things which could had been prevented. for instance, love. i guess i got myself too hurt in this that i've become immune towards any rejection. i am just a normal guy, a normal human being who respond to stimulus, and in this case it is feeling. to myself, i know i am someone who could love a girl wholeheartedly, but i accept the fact that i will just give this feeling up easily if i choose to. but to others, i am just a flirt. except for my ex, where the feelings and memories still linger at times. but i had told myself, that this relationship will never work out again. the feelings and memories are being kept in a box and just place it somewhere in my heart. the box is locked, the key is thrown away.

here's a short and sweet chorus i've wrote
[titled: happy birthday]
i knew it from the day we first met
that gal, you're gonna be the one that i love and cherish always
we never had problems getting our things done
and i am sure that this feeling will always stay by our side
i love you is all i got to say
never will i let you go is a promise.

pimp-ing

it has been a long time i last blog. 2 months i guess? and during these 2 months, so much things had happened in my life. my promos are over, i found new friends, got a friendship stronger, meeting up with my brothers, loving a girl i never do, family bonds strengthened, stronger belief towards god and leaving myself to fantasy like a child that always stay immature.

though the promos are over, the best is yet to come. my results are out next weds. the thought of it totally freak the living daylight out of me. i cant imagine how i will take it if i dont promote. blame it on? myself. my recklessness to study hard from the start, my arrogant towards study, who else can i ever blame? fate? gods? friends? teachers? no one but myself. i get myself to a very quiet mood and think aboout it, that if i ever get a chance to promote, i will study hard for my 'A' from the start of the holidays. maybe its like stressing myself for nothing, but i don wish to craze out at the last moment of the exams. and this is what's that happening to me right now. those sleepless night i had from the tensions that are putting on my shoulders, the disgusting nervous system of my body is trying to shut me down at the moment of time. but thank god. i do thank god. that this examination certainly do wake me up from this slacking life that i am living with. , but i guess i played too much. but anyway, i do pray that i will pass my promos, and this prayers go out to everyone from 05s12 and those who i know in pjc.

the post-promos days were damn craze. i went out in the morning, to only reached home during the night. my mom scolded me , but i really missed the night life and relaxation that i had missed out during these studies months. there were so many catch-ups with my brothers. if one day reeve was to die, i'll never smile as much as i do now, for i had lost a quarrelling partner. *lolx* and this is quite true though. as usual, we would sit down at coffeeshop and chat to the wee hours like no other bussiness. they are certainly, my brothers forever.

anyway, its been a long time since i blog, so i guess seldom people are visiting my blog. but this two paragraphs that i am going to write go out to 2 particular person, afiq and xy. there were important person in my life and never will i let anyone bully or hurt either one of them.

afiq, not sure whether will u be reading this. but after that incident, i guess our friendship bonds do grow much stronger. its a small misunderstanding and yet we blew up the whole matter till its so serious. i guess both of us are at fault, so dont blame yourself and shuffle the blame all by yourself. i will be there to shoulder your burden too, that's what friends are for. am i right? so, don brood too much about your daddy stuff, things will turn out fine. anyway, the post-quarrelling session was fun, we make fun of everyone. =] few words, we are friends, forever*i guess*lol

joyce, i dont have much to say so i will make it short and sweet. i dont want to always see you getting hurt by those things that are revolving around you. you have a mindset of your own and so it is right to believe in yourself. dont ponder too much about what other have to say about you. they just have some dirty laundry in their mouths or asses that they want to get rid off with. sometime the thought of you always being so sad really soured my heart. the reason is simple. you are someone close to me. and like any parents who would protect their youngs, i will protect you as if you are related to me. yep. so do take great care and we will meet up soon.

recently i didnt really come online in the night, and so i seldom blogged like i use to do. had been talking on the phone everynight. humans do change, dont they? and their habits change with the surroundings that are changing at a fast pace. its getting late. =] i shan't say much.

take care eveyrone
all the best to the 'A' and "O' level people
praying hard for all my friends
i love her =]