dream

26/2/2006

i had a bad dream last night.

i saw my ex with a guy, her boyfriend.

i sat down and cried.

i woke up and found out there were tears in my eyes.

what the hell is wrong with me?

economic

economic`

during the june holidays, my parents didnt give me any allowances. so at that point of time, i was experiencing a recession.

then as the economic picks up, employment start to rise and so i got myself a part-time job.

i started earning money and in return, i am contributing to the economy by consuming the products made in singapore. its an injection.

school started and i was given allowance for my lunch and dinner. in this situation, with more money, my marginal propensity to consume rises. i start to consume more products and this allows the economy to reach the peak.

if u have read up your economic lecture booklet, u will know that after an economy reaches that point, what follows on will be recession. for your info, im currently undergoing a serious finanical crisis.

hmmm.. i love economic. vomit*

when im gone

if the video, "when im gone", by eminem depicts his life and character, maybe my character is the same as him. eminem may hates kim, his ex-wife, a lot. however, after the long periods of scolding and cursing his ex-wife in his rap, he is now back with his wife. they re-marry.

sometime, relationships may not turn out the way i want it to be, and this makes me hurt and depressed. i would start to hate that person, and detest her for rejecting me. it may sounds contradicting but after a period of time, we will start to be friends again. i guess most of guy friends would agree that i am someone whose words cant be trusted for long. i will say these stuffs, but at the end of the day, i would do not what i say.

but this is exceptional case for my ex. =D i never hate her since we broke up. come to think about it, its going to be 2 years soon. memories are meant to be sweet and tasty. =x

ciao`

promise

im supposed to be doing my physics tutorial but i just cant focus on doing my work today. somehow, my body seems to be telling my mind to stop all work. my hands are not listening to my calls, so do my soul. for the past few days, i havent been sleeping for more than 4 hours? im under this disease, the norman-i-cant-get-to-sleep syndrome.

ive been telling myself that i must stay determined for my As level. somewhere in my heart, a voice seems to be telling me that ive make the wrong choice by coming to jc. however, now that im in year 2 or the final year, i just have to pass this custom to get my passport to Uni. i don want to disappoint my parents. i don wan myself to have any regrets in life. i will be so lost, so freaking lost in my life direction, if i fail my A. stay strong, ivan!

i want a break from this hectic life!

and i want my hp line to be back.

im beginning to lose faith in this family, my mom and my dad. maybe im holding on to this family is because of my sister. she is still young, i want to protect her from the harsh reality world out there, but one day, she still has to unreveal these works of life herself. my brother may be a clever young chap, but his attitude is simply pissing me off these days. i havent been talking to him for the past few days. i duno how he is thinking, but he is simply treating this family as shit. he shows no respect to my parent, nor to me. i won be surprise if one day he packs his bag and leave this house. he just has to be more responsible and sensible. his maturity of thoughts are still naive and stupid. i just hope he changes for the better, and maybe contribute to this home. below are some contents i hope my sister won be viewing. jasmine, if u love ur kor, please leave my blog at once. ok? be a good girl.

jasmine, leave if you are still reading on.




for those who know about my past, my dad.. yep.. i think he has changed a lot. i don mind him having an affair outside, but he still has to give his responsibilty to this family. he can spend his money on other girls, but he has to place us before them. he is a caring dad. every morning, he would make 3 cans of chicken essence for me and my siblings. each night, he will come home, tired from work. he would then knocked on my door and asked if im asleeep, or cover my blanket when i have fallen asleep. hes ageing. his white hairs are more than the cars in singapore. he may look strong on the outside, but i could feel his loneliness and saddness in his heart. he loves this family a lot, contributing as much as he could to make our life better. however, no one, apart from my sis, seems to be treasuring this contribution he is making. my mom. he would scold my dad at times for drinking too many, but have she wondered why dad is doing all this? every sat, she would go to the temple. did my dad says anything? he didnt even objected to it. my master, having an affair with my mom? what the fuck is going on right now? cant adults be more responsible at times? cant my mom use her brain to think how my dad would feel. fuck it.
i love my mom. she is the most important lady in my life. my dad, i love you too. i really hope to hug you and say i love you, but, both of us will feel awkard i guess. afterall, 2 male adults? hugging?

im crying though` my dad has done alot, alot to this family.

god bless him.
daddy, i love you.

him

Does God really exist?
Does His existence justify my Faith?
What if he isnt the Creator?
What if there is not Beginning?
What if God is just like one of us?

He is just another ordinary being living in us. =D

Binomial Expansion and Partial Fractions.
i hate them so much that i thought i love them.

breakdown

i officially announce that ivan ng zhonghan, is currently undergoing a situation of breakdown and he is going crazy.

im so tired

mudslide

for those who are reading this entry,

dedicate a minute of silence to those who had died and are buried alive in the mudslide which recently took place at philipines.

condolences to those families which have survived this tradegy but lost their loved ones.

god bless those survivors.

prayers go out to the kids who become orphans in a flash of history.

sorry. sympathy. sadness. courage. stay strong. stay true.

thats how strong mother nature can be
and how vulnerable life is.

treasure your life. many people out there are struggling harder than you =)

loves and kisses.

dead

i haven been updating my blog for quite some time. reason? the continous progression of the increasing homework and studies. i am so stress that i thought i am relax. ive got a way to relieve stress which i find it qutie useful. its to go gym and strain every bit of muscles inside you. tired it seems but u just feeel so much better.

pjc 05s12 rocccck!! haa. i simply love this class a lot. adding on to it, we are ms chong darling class. today pizza hut treat was fun and cool. the crapping between keefe and us, the quarrelling between keefe and zhen hui, the sharing of norman propaganda to dominate the earth with his alienic ideas. they are the cool butch of people thats put lots of colours into my life.

i have more to write, but i am getting tired.
guess i will update more in the next entry.

i met up with my ex, simply to pass her a gift i bought for her. after not seeing her for so long, i feel that she hasnt change much. =)

im meeting my primary school bandmates this sunday, which means......
hmmmmmmm

goodnight
god bless

the moment

The moment`

Last week was the college open house, and in a snap of time, that one week has passed. Seriously, I feel that time is passing very fast for college life. one year ago, like the juniors, I was anxious for the release of my Os level results. However, right now, I am sitting for my As level. Somehow, I just couldn’t accept this fact or reality that is hovering and constantly revolving around me. At times, I just wanted time to simply stop and go back to the past, but this will never happen. We live for tomorrow, right?

Although there are still months to my A levels, I am beginning to feel the tension. I tried to relax but I am always putting burden upon myself. I wanted to get into NUS and not disappoint my parents. I felt that I owned them a lot. 14 years of educations, they sacrifice so much. And the fact that I want to go to the Uni, its simply just adding the workload to earn upon their shoulders. If only I born with a silver spoon, I wouldn’t care less about spending my parents money. Its alright anyway, I am glad that I am living in this family.

Common tests are approaching. I want to score in my GP, and hopefully, I am able to see some improvement in my command of language. I have been trying desperately to improve my English. Reading newspaper everyday is beginning to become a habit. Maybe through blogging, I am able to brush up on my grammar errors too. With cool friends like afiq and Norman, they have been constantly helping me to correct my errors. Thanks a lot. If I score for my Gp common test, I am going to treat both of you to a dinner.

Tomorrow seems like dream to me. I just can’t grip on to the facts of reality.

Siang lung birthday is coming and this goes the same for terry. *ponder, what should I buy for siang lung? Maybe I should get him a boxer so that he stops wearing those old grandpa’s briefs. =x I am looking forward to the gathering with my brothers. SIANG LUNG IS TREATING TO BEERSSSSSSS~~ but no more Amsterdam beer, I don’t want to get drunk like what happened on Huat’s birthday.

These days, due to the study workload, my attitude and temper seems a little harsh to some of my friends. Sometimes, I just cant be bothered with what they are saying and talking about. I am just simply too lethargic, too tired. I need more rest, more energy. If only I have the problem of insomnia that Norman does, maybe I will be able to allocate my time more efficiently.

I read some of my friends blog. They felt that had lost faith of God. God is always there. He has never left you from the day you are born. He has been staying in your heart and soul ever since. Trust me, as time passes, your faith will grow strong. By then, you will understand what I mean. =)

Valentine’s Day is coming. Loves and kisses to all my friends.

I have to continue with my physics tutorials. *sigh

As for now, take care to those who have been reading my blog.
God bless you guys
And her(C)`
=]

life

months are passing like seconds and right now, im feeling the stress that is building up upon my shoulders. however, if u think about it, a certain level of stress does motivate you to move to greater heights. forget about all this craps~ im getting tired easily these days. my heart problem is visiting me again.

im going to the hospital for a check-up tmr. whatever it is, i dont want to get well. i thought of what pengyan says in the last gp lesson, a person will only start to treasure the life of his own or his close ones when they reached the proximity of death. is that true? somehow, i felt its true. at this junction of life, i feel liked ive everything and nothing at the same time. nothing is happening around me, everything is revolving smoothly, the way nature wants it to be, but i just felt something is missing. is it love? im not sure. my heart doesnt seems to have an answer to this question.

the night skies theses days were magnificent. no clouds or bright moon to hinder the shining of the mysterious stars. the stars. they are like my guardians who have been watching me all this while. i feel them close to my heart. ive no reason to explain this, but i love watching the stars. =))

JOYCE LIM XUE YAN.
hey girl, take great care of yourself ya.. hope your interview at work went smoothly. then if everythings go alright and u got the job, MSG ME!! i go down to the restraunt to support u.. same for any other performances ya.. ur ninjado? haa. =)) god bless`

rap`
i have been missing you all thes days
trying to find all different ways
to date you out on valentine day
but this dream seems so impossible
with other guys wooing you that prove so competitive
i dont know how to show that im more compatible
and show other guys that im taking the lead.
you are creeping into my heart and thats true
but im struggling to crawl into your heart or it will be all through
i want to show u my love and kisses
the way a guy would treat his girl
god bless you and love you lot =)

ive changed

so, didnt really get to meet her last night.
grandma wants me to pass the hongbao to her.
i love grandma. =)

im a changed person.
trust me, i feel that ive changed alot.
in terms of maturity and thoughs, yep!

an incident to reflect on!
me,mei,bkor.wc.huat were together.
itds 2am though, we saw this man lyin dead on the floor at the void deck.
for that moment, we thought he committed sucide.
however, the fact is, he was drunk.
and to make it more exaggerating,
hes dead drunk to the extent where he doesnt even know we were kicking him hard.
so, we saw his handphone on his hands and his wallet in his pocket.
WE DIDNT STEAL HIS STUFF,
instead, we used his hp to call someone from his phonebook.
then someone from block brought down cold freezing water and poured it all over his face
kudos to that person!!
we walked off after we make sure that hes already awake.

thats us of 2006!!
we all agreed that if its the us of 2005,
forget about helping me that guy.
we would simply just take his hp and wallet and run away.
and stripped him naked, throwing away his clothings. =)

ive changed =) for the better i suppose