her name is call

she's sweet. she's cute. she's lovely. she's pretty.love is blind. gee. that what me and zhan had been saying for the past one week. but anyway, i'm starting to get a little tired. low self-esteem, no confidence, i dont think there's anything i get achieve in life right now. true love? do they ever exist? have i ever felt their existence? or is it just another illusion i have been dreaming of all the time. it' simple to fall in love with a girl, but it is never easy to forget one. i'm afraid. afraid of something that i'm not sure either. the fear that makes my muscles go tense, its sending shivers down my nerves. i'm scared. scared of another fake love. can i ever commit myself to a relationship? or like some idiots, let's just flirt around. should i be a pimp? a sucker who deals with prostitutes. or should i be like a gentleman? who only wish for the girl to be happy? the whole world is knowing bout' my dirty lil' secret, one which i would classified as mission impossible.

i havent spoke to jeanie for quite some time, except the short period of time during cca. it seems things are always getting complexed between my thoughts and being a friend of hers. maybe sometime my mind just dont seem satisfied with what i've got. i aint trying to say i'm a perfectionist, but maybe i just hope to be at higher level then what i've got at the present. its seems to me that i often misunderstand her easily, sensitive to some idiotic issues. sometime, i just feel that friends, they dont last forever. they are just a junction in our life. nevertheless, god bless jeanie as long as i live. but i've got a feeling i will die early. maybe at a age of 18?

i see some improvements in my studies. i just hope i'l reap what i sow and what goes around, comes around. sometime its just sickening to see some asses sleeping in lectures or tutorials, but at the of day, they did well for their tests. whereas muggers like me, the effort put in does not seems to always pay off. ahh.. fuck these guys. *no offence*

i'll just hope that things will get better for me and maybe better for her and everyone too.
ciao`