fucked up

recently, my entries are always about her. this mysterious girl whom i like. maybe to me now, this girl may not be anyone or someone, its all just my imagination. like any pyschological problem, i must learn to put back these imaginations. and after what have happen, i am trying to. one thing i am sure right now, i can be replaced. though the fact that she cant be replaced in my heart, but maybe for her, i can be replaced.
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i didnt sleep well last night. i had many dreams these days. different people appear in my dreams. and it seems that a new story of mine is beginning to unfold. different thoughts had been hovering around my brain. after breaking with my ex, i have been always finding for a support. a support that is different of what a friend can provide. i am glad to have my brothers by my side nowadays. we would hang out till the early hours of the day and talk about anything we could think of. but right now, i am searching for a support that i am able to express my true care and concern too. a support where our feelings will be shared, a support where my love can be directly felt about her, a support who understands everything about me.
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i am afraid. fears fill my heart right now, thrills fill my body, phobia fills my mind and soul, angst fills my thoughts.
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is she the one? the support that i am looking for? i've got so many questions for the Almighty above. and i pray so much that i could back an answer in return. 3 days back, we had a chat that brought close together. yesteday, we had a chat that drifted me away from her.
why are u hiding things from me?
i thought my call wont be hung up
my sixth sense is deteriorating.
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i hate this. i hate the feeling of being sad for her. the dark shadows hidden inside me are creeping out. i am having a hard time trying to supress it. i cant breathe. i have to catch some fresh airs in order to move on. i cant grab the ropes. i am falling deeper. i am bleeding, bunged up, wounded.
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fuck u
`
oh. today is my ex birthday. ahem ahem* so right here, i am going to sing a birthday song. just try to imagine my voice ya? happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to esther, happy birthday to you. haa. 18th years old le still so crazy. =x
god bless you,girl
i'm praying for you too. =]