my dad is like those old faggots
going to batam to find some bitches
to screw them like tomorrow is the end
to lick them like kisses till the end
with hands that are so filthy
i tried to move away from this treaty
between a father and son and pussy
and this bullshit is driving me crazy
im pacing with tears flowing
down the cheeks i try to find some shelther
to protect myself against these weathers
the storms and thunders are killing my ears
the way i would take out a knife and stab her face
to show her how terrible i could be
my true face and soul that you'll never see

the raps of these craps are elevating
to a whole new level of skills that im showing
to prove my words and thoughts that are hiding
in my heart and they are coming
to my listeners they are shouting
to your ears they are screaming
with voices that can be scary
they will make you cry with terror
i know my words are becoming annoying
with these rhymes that going ing-ing
but i dont give a damn to you people
i live in my world and my thoughts of raps

dirty hip-hops are evil
with gangstas rappers showing their knucles
but records sign them up for their power
and hear the sounds of their banks go ke-ching with money injections
i maybe a amateur rapper
rapping bullshits like some idioit crappers
but one day you will see me on mtv
in trl showing my gigs the way jin did
and makes friends with eminem and D12 buddies
you will come to me and say love you baby

twits

check this out. i find it real cool. haaa.

http://twitionary.blogspot.com/

learn everything and anything about twits and euu cannx tyuppe lky mEex leixXx, cutTeex?

a photo speaks a thousand words. true love? this is wat true love is all about, loving them like u've never love before. they are the ones whom i treasure the most, the craziest piece of shit that God send to me, the demonic siblings that i have to live with, nonetheless, they are the ones that i will protect no matter what happen. =)

my dream. to play de soprano saxophone.

Kenny G.i see my future like this guy. hmmm. maybe i should just forget about my As

the 9 generations of peps saxophone players, though some are missing.

loves of my life. =)

my new wallpaper. ahh. done by my crazy cousin, kelly.
is barney cute?

haiku

a haiku; it is a japanese poem's writing style, 5syllabus follow by 7 den by 5. i remember writing these during my primary school days for some JAL Haiku Competiton.

i tried writing one:

sitting here alone
starry nights hanging above
beautiful it seems

=)

story

i wrote this song in 10 mins, its still in the raw form ya.

title:story. got this inspiration from the song(wo men de gu shi)

intro/
this song
is a story
that i wrote about you and me

the days i see you cry
the weeks i hear you whine
the love that doesnt die
is this story bout our lives

the drreams we both have
the love we once had
the feelings we had built
are left to the memories of this book

the story of our lives
the story of our past
the story of our love
is what i always want
the future seem so bleak
the pages prove so thin
but this love we've been through
is one that stays true

i close my eyes and dream
the voice that use to call my name
is gone with the broken promises u had made
and the false hopes that you gave

i stood at the corridor
looking at you from afar
strangers it seams to us
nothing to even just friends
i held your hands and sang this song
that baby we will can make love one more time

pondering

i just finish reading through my vectors tutorials and about to start with the tys questions. i know im stressing myself, putting greater and heavier pressure onto my own shoulders. if i know dont handle this shit well, these burdens that im shouldering could just crush my life to nothing. so, i took a break and walk out to the balcony to chill out. as the wind brushes through my face, the sense of comfortness is relieving. the sound of the wind "woosh woosh" seems to be hinting and telling me something. i took a leap, peek down to the grounds under this block. 7 storeys may not seem high but its definitely enough to kill someone. committing sucide. this is the issue that the wind seems to be telling me. i lost 2 friends because of sucide, one in secondary 2 and the other during my sec 4 days. one was a friend of my friend. we met only one time during a badmintion game. the next thing i know, she was dead during my sec.2 final year lit. paper. the other friend, a close one, committed sucide just outside my sec. school. sad to mention it, but i could have saw her or even stop her if i took the old route home. funny it seems, but that day i remembered clearly i took bus 307 home instead of the mrt. ah, darn it! i regret taking that decision. a week before she died, we promised each other that we will go to the kbox sometime during the following week. we didnt make it for the meeting. that explains one of the reasons why i hate going to the kbox at times, the painful memories that flow back could just stuffocates me. i taught her ice-skating, holding her hands as we skate through the thick layers of ice. i held her when she fell and she pulled me down along with her. terence stood there laughing at us. back then, we were great friends, real great friends. now, a missed friend.

for you i will(confidence)

Wandering the streets,
in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be,
nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you
If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room, yeah
That's what I'd do,That's what I'd do
To get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

auntie.. auntie.. where are u
without you, my soccer bets seem so lost
i know im stupid
i know im dumb
not to listen to you
when you told me to bet on ecuador
oh auntie, you know i miss you
please come back
please
please come back to me

memories

an entry i wrote 1 year ago. i felt like a fool. mmm


I reached home late this morning at around 2am. I sat down at my desk. My mind searched for a sad memory. I penned down my feelings on a paper. I sealed it up in an envelope and had it sent to the address:
Ivan’s memories box
7/7/1988
Singapore 8824396

Thanks for the letter u sent to me that day at esplanade. Although I was surprised to receive the letter, I was quite happy that u still remembers me. Recently, my life doesn’t seem to be fine. I’ve been thinking of 30/7/2004. I still remember that night, when I got together with my ex. How I tried to hold her hand at keat hong lrt and how we didn’t want to let each other’s hands go when I needed to get home. This day last year, we would have been together for one year. But sad to say, things don’t always go as planned. We ended our relationship quite fast. The memories I had with her still stays sweet in my mind. But I gave up. I told myself that this had to come to an end sooner or later. I just hope that you, as a memory box hidden in my soul, will do your job and keep this letter and memory well. Don’t send me any more letters regarding this issue. I hope that she stays happy. I’ll pray for you and her, and may god bless her. Anyway, do take care. Maybe after a few years, I will go over to visit you and reflect these memories.

With care, Ivan

the hehe family

i was looking through "my pictures" folder when i cam acroos this photo. it was taken back last year when we caught the "twisted-fingerplay" performance. well, these 2 gals are the one whom i treasure much in my class. one is a math genuis, scoring 96 marks for her common test, while the other is a responsible council member, contributing a lot to the school. the reason why we are a family is beacause we love to "hehe". apart from just hehe, we have special names.

me- badak, celest-hyenas, weijing-rabbit. mmmm. we are visiting the zoo, soon.

im feeling troubled and stressed up that i may not be able to finish my mid-year revision on time. half of the year is gone and the a level exams are coming in 5 months time. to tell you the truth, i really regret not withdrawing out of pjc at the promos last year. how stupid could i get that i didnt notice jc-life wasnt the cut for me. but having walking to this stage, this junction of life, i think it will be more practical to use this time spent on worries to study time. what i lack of is self-discipline in my work and time-management. the afternoons are often wasted on playing the computer or watching the tv. ah~ maybe i should lock up my lappy in the storeroom. my books are piling up on my table, and they seem to be calling out to me,"ivan! pick me up and scrutinize me! you need me. yes me! this level of expectations for myself is actually having some psychological effect. it daunting me from all these studies and i just feeeeeeel like giving up. if only i could live as freely as my brothers, maybe my life would be much better. why are we all in this rat-race of achieving good grades and certs, career achievement and personal satifaction? the champagnes dreams and caviar wishes, everyone is satiated by the life of luxury and pleasure. don you think so? humans cant get past with their greeds for power, some cant control their sexual drive, some dread for money, but at the end of all this, we are all trying to fulfil our personal needs and wants. to a certain extent, this may be subjective. oh well, whatever.

apart from this, the world cup is kicking off in a few more hours! and im going over to bb mac to study overnight with jinfeng and chunhui. but i doubt tonight revision will be a productive one, considering the fact that there will be live telecast of the match in the mac.

the previous spammer said that i'm self-centred and look up very little to my brothers. and the another one said that im scared because i blocked him from my tagboard. mmm. i saw this from cher's blog and i feel its totally right. if you put your name, tell me who you are, i'll still look up to these spammers. because at the least, they are strong , brave enough to stand up for their disagreements with me. but what im seeing are bullshit. using unknown names to scold me and spam my blog, wtf is wrong wit them?

they are the cause of all dramma.they are the lousiest, low-life, primitive-brained, protozoic life-forms.

and so, cherling has very good vocab usage to discribe these creatures. take note, i didnt say humans, i meant creatures.

maybe, at this moment, there are these creatures cursing me, using VOODOO doll to get the shit out of me. im fine with that, i dont mind being curse of stuff. one day, karma will turn around and bite back their souls. =) i don feel anger or annoyance for these creatures, i just pity these souls. how ugly would it be if their kids know that their dads or moms are once cowardly idiots in disguise.

it all happens after that incident on the last day of school. gah~ its a long incident and these fools are still crapping over it. did i hurt them or something? bah!

win~~

firstly, i would like to say happy birthday to my hehe sister, ONG WEIJING! haa. i seldom have this kind of "god-sister" relationship but she's one of them whom i treat like my own sister! im not like terry, haa. 1000 god sis~

anyway, happy birthday girl and hope the future will be a smooth one for you. =)

back to the main issue, I WON $100 WORTH OF CD HAMPER FROM 987FM! WAHHAHAHAA. VIEW THE FOLLOWING VIDEO FOR MORE INFORMATION.

credits go to jinfeng because she did this video for me. =x

spammers

i went to study with jinfeng today and it was quite, kinda productive. haa. i hope i manage to get the econs information into my brain. anyway, i wrote a rap for the spammers, in particular, you **** loser! he's cute, aint him?

i start to write a rap
and this aint crap
its street style
freestyle whack
for the spammer lack
of intelligence to spm my blog
hey dude why not u go find some dogs
you try to piss me off
with your comments that seem so strong
your words are all so fierce
oh mama, im crying with tears
i bet you are reading this entry
its for you my beloved loser. =)

and jinfeng starts to write a rap too!
here it goes:

you are spammer
and im ivan
you got no name
but ive got a name
haha.
i got jinfeng as my friend
you dun haf
boo to you!

mmmmmm... hahaha..

beatrice

my brothers' cheer

b for beatrice
beatrice for me
beatrice
beatrice beatrice
beatrice ____ __ _____

i was actually quite pissed with that "u fucking loser!" on my tagboard. but when i come to think about it, about my actions which cause me much regrets, about slapping that guy which actually makes me a more sinful person, i think i should just let it go. so, "u fucking loser!" whatever it is or whatever ive done to say anything wrong, so be it. ok.peace out. spam one more time, den you are just wasting your time. i know my brothers are going to laugh to what i said but hell wit it, im changing alright.

enlightment is now a lightyear away for just one stupid action i've done.

ok, im working on a whole new rap now. it was actually meant for the spammers, that "u fucking loser!" or anyone else, but maybe i should rap about something more close to me, like my friends. (as what jinfeng said)

i cant think of a rap for my friends, so this rap is for jasmine and eugene. (my siblings)

hold me tight jasmine hold me close
close the door eugene i'll never let go
daddy and mummy are quarreling at the corridor
but brother is going to be here
to protect you from these storms

the windows are crashing
tears are flowing
i saw my mummy
sitting down and crying
the glasses are all shattered
with the family potrait that is burn to ashes
mummy is cursing daddy for all this shit
and daddy is drunk
not knowing what he did
i went over to hug my brother and sis
trying to shelther them from this crisis
daddy held up the chair and hit my spine
i fell down to the glasses
and blood start to rush
out of these vessels that are broken
like this family which are no longer heaven
daddy wants us to die together
to heaven he said
he loves us three

my brother and sister are crying badly
at the corridor where my mummy is sitting
i stood up with my feets and shouting
"whats wrong with you dad, cant you see them crying
i love you daddy and they love you too
why must u get drunk and come back home
hitting us like we are your dogs
wake up daddy look at mummy legs
she's bleeding and you cause all these"


hold me tight jasmine hold me close
close the door eugene i'll never let go
daddy and mummy are quarreling at the corridor
but brother is going to be here
to protect you from these storms

mummy is packing her stuffs
and daddy is begging her
"dont leave sweetheart dont leave me
the kids need you baby and so do me
im sorry for all i've done im really regret it
please give me one more chance to repent for all these shits"
"these shits are what you said, andy
you make me lost my heart for 4 times already
granddad just pass away and you went to pubs
drinking with prosititues and flirtin with them
my hands are flithy with your hair
if you love the kids you'll never do this
if you love me you'll never do this
and what more can you say now you tell me
when the odds are against you
and so is me"

jasmine is crying and so is eugene
i dont know what to do
god please help me
in this family that im living
im stuffocating im choking
im really dying
i hug my siblings tight and whisper these words
"im going to protect you kids,
brother always love you"

i pick up the glass pieces on the floor
slash it in my wrist and let the blood flows
i saw mummy and daddy rushing to my direction
i fell down and land on my dad shoulder
i touch my mom face with my bloody hands
"forgive dad and forget it
eugene and jasmine need you more than me
maybe till the day you 2 think about it
i did this for you and me"

=)