it's over

dear god,

life is almost back to normal for me. living this world of lies, i had struggle through and born out strong. the new lifestream in me is flowing through my veins.

i love this girl. i knew it from the start that things wont work out for us, but i choose to ignore. blame myself for being naive, all i can ever do now is to just let it go. i havent been contacting her for 4 days. during these 4 days, i had my thoughts straightened out. although she still haunts me during the wee hours of the night, but the feelings are already gone. i had gotten over her.

thankie to those who had been there for me. espically chun jin and weiling. =))

god bless her
satan,
kill me when christmas reach

i'm okay(i promise)

if anyone does read the magazine style or if u manage to get your hands on one, do turn to page 288. i saw this fossil watch,model:FA4073,price$195. oh my god!! its damn so freaking nice and cool! my mom says she like that too and is considering to get one for me. haa. but i told her to keep the money for herself. geez. my heart feels so sour.
ohwell, the purpose of me tellling u guys this is, christmas is coming. so u may consider getting that for me. haa! i am joking.
alright. i read the seventeen mag too and the part on horoscope. it says that this month i am going to have a new friendship with someone i already admired. oh well. ITS TRUE! haa.
`
i went to town with weiling today. we had so much fun. idiotic her keep pinching me. but anyway, i manage to get the stuff i wanted.
`
i hoping for a new twist in life. i am starting to see the beginning of a whole new chapter. and i am going to start my 'A' level preparation. trust me. i am going to become a geek. no more pimp, its the geek era.

foolish game

eminem got a new rap song.
its call when i am gone..
kind of trigger me to get one rap too
since the fact that i am going under some form of depression too
but anyway
i hope u guys like this
for those who understand me
i write rap only when i am sad
so, vulgarities do face up
if u cant take the level of dirty talk i am about to spill
please feel free to leave
thankie
`
M18
parental advisory
explict content
fuck it
`
have you ever love someone you would lay ur life for
think about it
is she worth ur life to this for
i gaze to the stars above
hoping to get a answer in return
but fuck u god where the hell are you
i need some guidances, can u fucking help me
i aint trying to get pissed with life
but somehow i just got tired of all this lies
the fact that u are bimpo and i himpo
cm'on fuck it, just show me ur bon bon
dont touch my heart u fucking bitch
when the intention of yours is to break my fist
i am breaking my patient over you
one thing for sure
love is somethin i can do without you
i trying to get myself back on this track
over this little rags that are just crack
i am falling deeper into this bloody hole
hellllo, can someone hear me?
please rescue me before it start to pour
muds are sliding, waters are rising
people are panicking, heaven is laughing
friends are foolish, brothers are shitty
friendship is useless, love is fuckerless
`
the dark shadows are creeping over me
i am devour by my own demon inside me
prejudice against love
subjucating friendship with hatred
i have pessismistic mind
fuck it, if u dun like it
i dont fucking care
`
i am dyin over these hungers
demons are whispering in my ears
years of karma cultivation are all gone
months of feelings for her are all porn
days of sickness are all horn
i am calling a haul to these cause
i have to climb up from where i just fall
but girl, u push me whenever i try to move on
i hope u understand that i still love u so
`
to my friends, i am just kidding. u guys are important to me. u know i love u. =]

kill you

Bitch I'ma kill you!
You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls neither -
you ain't nuttin but a slut to me
Bitch I'ma kill you!
You ain't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin I don't squash the beef
You better kill me! I'ma be another rapper dead
for poppin off at the mouth with shit I shouldn'ta said
But when they kill me - I'm bringin the world with me
Bitches too! You ain't nuttin but a girl to me..
`
eminem

fucked up

recently, my entries are always about her. this mysterious girl whom i like. maybe to me now, this girl may not be anyone or someone, its all just my imagination. like any pyschological problem, i must learn to put back these imaginations. and after what have happen, i am trying to. one thing i am sure right now, i can be replaced. though the fact that she cant be replaced in my heart, but maybe for her, i can be replaced.
`
i didnt sleep well last night. i had many dreams these days. different people appear in my dreams. and it seems that a new story of mine is beginning to unfold. different thoughts had been hovering around my brain. after breaking with my ex, i have been always finding for a support. a support that is different of what a friend can provide. i am glad to have my brothers by my side nowadays. we would hang out till the early hours of the day and talk about anything we could think of. but right now, i am searching for a support that i am able to express my true care and concern too. a support where our feelings will be shared, a support where my love can be directly felt about her, a support who understands everything about me.
`
i am afraid. fears fill my heart right now, thrills fill my body, phobia fills my mind and soul, angst fills my thoughts.
`
is she the one? the support that i am looking for? i've got so many questions for the Almighty above. and i pray so much that i could back an answer in return. 3 days back, we had a chat that brought close together. yesteday, we had a chat that drifted me away from her.
why are u hiding things from me?
i thought my call wont be hung up
my sixth sense is deteriorating.
`
i hate this. i hate the feeling of being sad for her. the dark shadows hidden inside me are creeping out. i am having a hard time trying to supress it. i cant breathe. i have to catch some fresh airs in order to move on. i cant grab the ropes. i am falling deeper. i am bleeding, bunged up, wounded.
`
fuck u
`
oh. today is my ex birthday. ahem ahem* so right here, i am going to sing a birthday song. just try to imagine my voice ya? happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to esther, happy birthday to you. haa. 18th years old le still so crazy. =x
god bless you,girl
i'm praying for you too. =]

one sweet day

her`
`
she's already part of my life. i no longer like her. in fact, i have fallen in love with her. but, i guess we'll never get together. as for now, i just hope to give the best of my everything and let her enjoys the best birthday gift she is ever going to recieve from me. i simply cant get her out of my mind.
`
`
there are so many things i want to say, so many feelings i want to pen it down to this blog, simply too much things i had to say. somehow or rather, something is stopping me. i am not sure why, but a force inside me is always telling me to let it go. i hate this forcr, i hate this feeling. i hate to get sad over her.
`
`
me and chun jin have started this C-I journal.
`
`
i had been scolded by my parents lately.
`
`
i love yesterday. because i was together with her =]

for you, i cried

a story that came to my mind
`

he met her in school
she's got the sweetest smile he ever seen
he became so crazy over her
just like any guys who got her number will
he didnt dare to ask for her number
he got it from his friend
they started messaging everyday
calling one another everynight
they had a great time chatting
the sweet ambience could be felt in the air
the sour romance is tingling in his heart
she is attractive
guys ask for her number
she is friendly and sociable
she would give her number to them
she has many guy friends
he never complain, he never said anything
he has lots of girl friends too
he wishes so much the girl to complain and scold him
he will never get this chance
`
he love her
he give her the best of everything he could think of
the sweetness,sourness,happiness, anything?
he never leave her once
he never quarrel with her
he just wants her to be happy
and that's all
`
he places her before anyone else
all he wanted to show is his true heart
the care and concern he hid in his soul
`
he knows, understands
that he stand a low chance of winning her heart
nevertheless, he's going to give it a try
put in all the hopes and beliefs into this first and final hope
he wants her to be his girl
he wants to hug her in his arms
all he ever wanted to do,
is to tell her how much he love her
`
that night, he almost cried
he is a timid guy
he wont be able to face the girl if he ever get rejected by her
he's afraid
that this rejection could lead to a loss of this relationship
he doesnt want to lose her
she does not want to lose him either
he cried
she had a place in his heart now
he cant simply let it go
he love her too much
`
stranger?friend?lover?
fate decides it all
if they aint meant for one another
then let it be
there's no way man could ever deter the plays of God and Fate.
`
God hates me =]

sweetness

a phrase from siang lung

life is like a garden
during the journey through this walk across the garden,
we'll come across flowers and plants of all type
dont forget about your surrounding
just because one flower caught your attention so much
dont give up other flowers just because
u think that THAT flower is the one.
you never know other flowers are more compatible for you
and this directly apply to the flowers too.

one from junjie too

loving someone is like smoking a cigar
that very light-up of the cigar sparkles a new admiration and life
as the person keep on smoking,
he may be enjoying the 'high' feeling
at the same time, he is doing harm to his body
he love the girl with all his heart, but the pain he intruded in himself..
he did it for her.

from me,
i love her,
we'll never be together.

deep hole

time check time check: 4.21 am
let see, the previous entry was being published at 3am.
for now, it is 4.22am. sigh. i am becoming a bad boy.
i had been coming home very late nowadays, and my parents aint happy bout` it
i will be a good boy from next week onwards.
told myself that i should start mugging for next year 'A'
let me set my goal very clearly
General Paper:B4
Chinese: hacked. just a pass will do
Physics:A
Math:A
Econ:B or C
i'm gonna hit this. i wont let myself stress over the 'A' paper.
i will get my admission to local Uni after my army.
from there, i will sign on to the airforce to be air-engineering officer.
dare to dream =]

basically, the reason that i had reach home so late was due to that idiotic jj would succeeded in pyscho-ing me and mei to kBox. well, we sang till the kBox closes. interesting uh? and the saddest part of it? i spent $26.50 on this singing session. i shall thereby conclude that kBox is a total waste of time and money. HOWEVER, today was a happy day for me. reason being, we sang a song for michelle, over my handphone. i hope she'll like it. =] we had lots of fun though, and we laugh till our asses dropped off. wakkakakaka.

you touch her with your heart
the only way you can let her feel my beat
she thinks u're a flirt
true, but that's the past.
you like people, as a way to forget your ex,
to show the kind of care and concern you are willing to give.
now, its different
you like her, the way she is
cause your heart had been stolen by her.
i'm sorry, ivan
but i guess you are falling deeper,
there's no way i can pull you out of the pit u had fallen into
the only way is to make it out by yourself.
be it an accept or a rejection,
stay strong. cause love is never fair
you seldom get back what you give out
there is no law when it comes to trading feelings
you make the move, you learn to retreat when you know you are losing
in any case, love her as much your heart can brings you to.

mich birthday is reaching, so is ying. my ex birthday are coming too. and RAFT!
i'm gonna date her out on her birthday, so GOD BLESS ME

meeting bryan and ying tomorrow. gonna sleep earli.
night!

i miss her`

time check:2.52am
the night is still young and i'm drunk with my giddy eyes.
wonderful night with frenzy colours, i just went clubbing at the coffeeshop
the usual brothers that i hang out with,
turn out to be assholes who never quit in giving support to one another
we had laughters and craps tonight
as we sang our voices through the sky
i heard the voice of her speaking in my ears
telling me to get home early and take care
but it turn out to be an illusion which i can hardly grab
she fell asleep while we're messaging
i guess she was quite tired for the day
a message sent and gooodnight to my sweet lil' baby
i never thought i would ever love a girl so much after my previous stead
and now the feelings is so mixed
with the intentions of making her my girl
i think i've fell in love with this sweet lady
but i guess this love is never meant to be
so boy, i told myself to forget about it
accidentally in love`

reeve birthday is drawing near. 25/11/05. well, i guess we're gonna rock some shit that night. with so many crazy ideas that are running through my mind, i hope reeve will suffer that night =] afterall, he is one of my asshole brother.

i think i should turn in now. i am still working at my aunt's place tomorrow. i've got to report to work at 8am!!!!!! holy, i doubt i will wake up on time.

lastly, i would like to thank God.
i passed my promos. i swear i will brush up on my language and econs this time round. good luck to those who are taking re-exam too. work hard and smart, i'll pray for u guys.
God Bless You
and
her`