=)

rap`

chinese new year
and here i am trying to look back to these few years
time seems to be creeping up on me
everythings feel like its turning around and biting at me
and im struggling trying to catch a breath
but this depth of lapse is tearing my soul
my body my mind and my whole
stand up and fear the fears
and my eyes are swollen with tears
held back fist and punches
just to see u walking through these fances
im losing you and im sure
now its over and im addicted to you
i dont really know what to do

kids are going to houses for greeting and blessings
here i am at the cemetry, mourning over your death and kissings
i held your tomb in my arms
screaming to lord for his poor judgement
cursing to lord for snatching away my lover
blaming to lord for this shagged life that im living
rain drops fall on my cheeks
heaven is crying for his misdeed
i am here holding on to that very dead body
and there she is, still sleeping so peacefully
she stands over the tomb
smiling at me
"ivan, dont cry. hush my dear"
"how could i not cry with the fact that you are leaving me forever"
"find the new girl, she loves you more than i do"
"unconditional love, i just love you. now and forever"
"Lord, bless him please"
i fall down on my knees and cried
while she turns around, walk off and disappeared

you were the one
i thought of everynight before i sleep
i still hug you in my dreams
and feel you kissing my left cheek
ive been crying
since the day you left my side.
goodbye, my lover

`i love this rap a lot =)

different

im really stress stress stress STRESS!!
but i dont look like one stress guy? haa.

i havent been bloggin for some time.. a few days i guess. things back in school are doing just fine, apart from the fact that we are separated for our physics class. i miss gerad ng lessons and mr lum is pushing too hard on us. on the brighter side, we had the lecture theathre for our tutorials and at this pace that he is pushing hard, i see some lights in my physics grade. however, i wont just neglect my afiq and friends in the back, i want them to move forward IN PHASE with me so that a CONSTRUCTIVE INTERFERENCE could be form. considering the fact that we are all from a COHERENCE SOURCE and therefore we must be kept in PROGESSIVE WAVES to attain our goal. =) physics is in my blood but i hate trigo to the max.

chinese new year is coming!

special thanks to one special friend, LIMIN. im the ass while she is the hole =)
without her, my new wardrobe of clothes would have been boring.

reeve is one great brother of mine. although he is a flirt, bastard, gangster, whateva, i could never imagine the days without him in my life. life would be so quiet that i thought i was dead.

`you

this is a true confession of mine
one that i have kept in my heart for a long time
and i cant stop myself from hiding this from you
coz whenever the night arrives
my mind would start to think of you
each night seems so lonely and cold
with the image of me holding on
to this feelings that seems impossible
there is so much i want to do
there is so many things i want to understand
to know a girl like you
who makes my life so different from the past
violence and smoking are history
flirting and drinking never exist
u walk into my life without me noticing
u start intruding my mind and i cant stop it
who are you?
do i ever know you?
have i ever come across you?
have we ever met?
no one knows

few weeks back, my civic tutor came asking me
"ivan, are u free-thinker, buddism , taoism, etc?"
"mr paik, is there an all thinker?"
"no"
"free-thinker den"

one fundamental thing u should know about me.
i believe in everything and nothing.
i believe in His existence but i believe He doesnt exist too
im an all thinker and a free thinker
=)

God bless`

keeping quiet

unspoken crush unconditional love`

the whole of this week is shitty for me. things havent been goin the way i wanted it to be. and to make things worst, i got lots of misunderstandings back in school. cool doesnt it? when everything starts piling up on your shoulders, and all u can do is to smile to those around you.

huat!happy birthday!

rap`
a short one, just feels like writing one.

unspoken crush
its about this girl that i miss so much
everyday and everynight i think of her
its like a rockstar missing his hearse
i tried to get close to you girl
always wanting to be there when u fall
so that you could still stand tall
i wanted to make u my girl
hop you into my car so i could take you for a ride
and show you how i love a girl real right
my friends say you look real nice
like most girls, you keep wanting to deny
i dont love you for how u look
i dont love you for what u have
i love you for what you are
that girl that i wanted to walk the asle with
you told me you havent gotten over your ex
would u believe me then,
that i 'll wait for you to give me your hands

all i ever wanted
is just a chance. an opportunity. a hope.
=)

`shopping with limin tmr!!
let me list out what im goin to buy
1)an outfit from topman
2)a shirt from fleshimp
3)a shirt from topman

nite`

im tired

confessions

im realli tired.. tired tired tired.. shagged. there i am telling others to jia you and that im there for them, here i am breaking down.

i know, its only the start of 2006 but the stress of A level is piling up on my shoulders. im trying to get a grip of myself but each time i grip onto something, i just fall even harder again.

287 days to As level. cool doesnt it?

`i need someone by my side right now.
some kind of support that i could lean on.
where is she?
she'll never know im here, missing her.
i'll never have the courage to fall in love again, or to confess to someone.
who is this girl?
bah.

hell ya. fuck it.

my love

its a new rap i wrote and it was written while i was working.
hope u guys will like it.
the rap is a lil' contradicting, but thats the tricky part.

PARENTAL ADVIOSRY
EXPLICT CONTENT

intro
when u see the one u love is in pain
would let her live or simply let her die
would you lend a support but watch her suffers
or would you choose let her die to cease the pain.

verse 1
have you ever miss someone
to the extent where you felt you are hung
the feeling is so intense, it leaving me breathless
im dreaming, im pacing, im racing
to the finish line to win her heart
the urge to hug her in my arms
he girl that is intruding my soul
it feels like im losing my whole
mind and soul to that girl whom ive saw

loving you in the past is a catastrophe
one that is causing me a huge legal fee
i never thought that things would turn out this way
its not the way i hope we 2 could turn out
i love you like a fool for 2 bloody years
and its a death sentence that is drawing near
i gripped my ear and hear
while the judge says out my sentence
"the girl you killed is one that is lovely and sweet"
"fuck you judge, she is a slut and i hate that bitch"
"but son you are young and death is here"'
"hell to you judge, i cant wait to die in the back rear"
Jan13 was the date of the death sentence
i plead gulty to all the crimes ive done
save me lord, and bring me to your arms

i love you daddy, i love you mummy
thanks for all these years o upbrings u have given to
young and naive, crazy and stupid
i cant bring myself to doing it
but i did it for the girl whom i love

i cry loudly as i hold her tight
she couldnt hear me
she couldnt see me
shes lying there, dead as it seems
i choked her with the pillow in my hands
as i watch her slowly die in peace
smiling happily back to me.

canon in D major

`right now

im listening to Canon in D major. somehow, i felt that twitch of sweetness in my heart. the thought of it simply just makes me smile.

i think ,i guess ,i suppose ,i hope , i wish it will come true..

=]

hmmm. economics sucks. im gonna pack my room. its my hobby it seems.

lookin around

my room is not only a place for me to sleep and relax, its also a collections of memories and stuffs.

weiling christmas gift. its a kind of calendar thingy. this is first thing that i always see every morning. reason being, i had to change de date daily. =]

a photo of me and my siblings when we were young. it reminds me of the young and fun days we had. everyone is growing up now and i hope they can be more sensible.

ive got this photo with my pri-school bandmates that we took in school. haa. i developed it out and put it by my bed. hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm. so i can see =] . =p

a bottle of stars. jeanie gave me for my birthday? im not sure. forget le. she knows i love stars alot.

a birthday card that my ex gave me. i laminated it and place it on the top of my hi-fi set.

a magnet that i placed it on my mirror. connie gave to me on my birthday. its motivation quote.
let me type it out:
DONT QUIT
or give up.
when struggles u face
those who keep trying will finish the race.

my wallet has two precious moments cards. both from jeanie. thanks alot piggy.

`im so tired from the photography duty today. soo bloody tired.
im off to sleep. playing lancraft with norman tomorrow and also studying for my econs.

afiq kinda lectured me today. he told me that being too emotional is too bad for health and that im a veri emo guy. come to think about it, only those who are close to me understand what kind of person i am. one thing to be sure, the ivan you see is not the real ivan you know. however, everyone is wearing a mask, dont they?

its the past` blame myself on being a cancer. in terms of relationship, i can just love someone so much.

nite`

hmmm

its been raining these few days and due to this inclement weather condition, i wasnt able to focus on studying. the weather prove too soothing to me, and its making me sleepy. i had quite a good start for 2006. homeworks and tests are continuously piling up and i had been rushing through to get it quickly done.

condolence to wee cheong and his family.

anyway, these days, there were some friends who ask me the same question. the question is whether am i a christian? seriously, i dont know how to answer them this question. if they treat me as a christian, then be it. if they say that i am a unfaithful christian, then be it too. come to think about it, does it make a difference between 2 people whether they have a belief in a faith. both of them are the same, both are homo sepians.
i remember, when i was young, i would go to the church with my aunt. she dont put me into the sunday school or children category. she just brought me into the great hall where the adults gathers. while the adults starts to sing the hymn of praises or say their prayers, i would be sitting alone, indulging myself into the bible book. to me, its more of a storybook than a bible. the title of this storybook," the faith", not bible. i finished reading that book when i was in pri 4. though there are many things that i cant understand or decipher, i just let it past. it was a book then bond me close to my grandma and aunts.

i've friends who go to church. i wouldnt say anything about it. but ive friends who quarrelled with their parents just because they choose a different faith from their parents. i mean, there is no discrimination against the freedom of choosing your own faith. however, on the course of believing in this faith, u quarrelled with your parents. is it worth it? i feel that filial piety is the most important thing in this moral-deteriorating society. they are the one who gave you this life, not Him. they are the one who gave you the ability to talk,walk,grow,feel,everything, not Him. i just feel that it is wrong from the start if u chose God over your parents. your sins cant be cleansed by him. to me, you are the greatest sinner.

my dad didnt allow me to go the church often when i was young. he would scold me if i sing the songs to worship him. somehow, my family dont like Jesus? as i grew up, he started to give me this freedom to choose my own faith. right now, i choose nothing and everything. confusing? i still go to church sometime, i accept his existence, i trust His power, but i dont want to get myself baptise. just this relationship between Him and me, im glad. a friend of mine once told me, its more than just believing Him and the Faith, it more of a relationship.

i hate to say this. but i detest and despise those who treat their parents like trash. i've friends who treat their parents like they dont even exist. we may see reeve always hanging up his mom phone, but he actually cares alot for his mom. hack his dad. terry, please treasure your mom. i dont like the way you treat and scold your mom. to be honest with you, karma will turn around and bite you one day.i bet you wouldnt want to see your children doing this to you either. if u continue to this in front of me, dont blame me if i condemn you one day. im not lecturing you, but i wouldnt want to see u having regrets.

my mom birthday is coming!

the weather are terrible these days,
so everyone, please take great care of yourself.

im going shopping soon.
shopping list:
topman outfit
topman shirt
fleshimp shirt
ripcurl shirt
volcom jeans
quiksilver bag
stussy 3/4
gucci wallet

am i greedy? =x

ciao`

memories

a beautiful scenario`

firework festival on 8/8/2004.

lying against one another on their forehead.

they could hear one another breathing.

romantic, enchanting, passionate, loving.

she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

her first love. her first kiss.

not his first stead. but it was his first love.

broken up. but memories stay.

till now, he could feel that kiss on his cheek. his right cheek.

memories will do. =]